tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-60750152011-07-30T19:49:07.142-04:00L.K. Peterson's site of writings, random thoughts & musings. <em>Just a good 'ol boy, doin' the best he can. . .</em>Lairbohttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12023261658374519848noreply@blogger.comBlogger931100tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6075015.post-1162649633949197922006-11-04T09:01:00.001-05:002009-10-21T16:49:16.540-04:00

Hi, come on in. Can I take your coat? No? Okay.Welcome to the Best of What's Left of the (old) Ant Farmer's Almanac blog, now preserved as a repository of hilarity from the keyboard of L.K. Peterson.Thanks to a grant from the resolutely not-for-profit Ant Farmer's Almanac Historic Society this valuable time capsule of humor is available for future generations to enjoy. Or whatever.In case you

Lairbohttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12023261658374519848noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6075015.post-1101877873000677762004-12-01T01:08:00.000-05:002005-01-30T11:19:35.933-05:00

"One Quarter-Hour Just Wasn't Enough," Says Deposed Quiz Show Champ HOLLYWOOD, CA (Ant Farmer's Almanac Newswire) Now that his historic winning streak on the popular game show "Jeopardy" is over, Ken Jennings has announced that he will use a portion of his $2,520,700 prize money to buy himself an additional 15 minutes of fame. "I'd thought that the money and the attention would be satisfying

Lairbohttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12023261658374519848noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6075015.post-1099929255300342692004-11-08T10:53:00.000-05:002004-11-10T10:34:28.813-05:00

Plummeting Sales Spark Lawsuit FREEPORT, MAINE (Ant Farmer's Almanac Newswire) Several manufacturers of barn jackets like the one John Kerry wore during his 2004 presidential bid have brought a class-action lawsuit against the former candidate. In the wake of Kerry's defeat, traditional rivals LL Bean, Land's End and Carhart have joined forces to seek $48 million in compensation for the

Lairbohttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12023261658374519848noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6075015.post-1099313284823250392004-11-01T07:40:00.000-05:002004-11-01T10:16:36.310-05:00

It's 527. Do You Know Where Your Campaign Is? WASHINGTON, DC (Ant Farmer's Almanac Newswire) On Saturday, Vice President Cheney told an assembled crowd that, if elected, John Kerry would "Return the Louisiana Purchase to France," adding, "But no Texan will have to trade in his Stetson for a beret; not on my watch, not without a fight!" When pressed for the source of this extraordinary claim,

Lairbohttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12023261658374519848noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6075015.post-1097780468676446912004-10-14T15:00:00.000-04:002004-10-17T12:01:03.573-04:00

Slogans for Kalishnakov Vodka, the new product from the inventor of the AK-47: Rapid-Fire Refreshment! Ricochets with Taste! Take Aim at Flavor! Its Aim is True! (the inevitable lawsuit from by Elvis Costello will be invaluable for the free publicity) It Takes a Tough Man to Make a Tender Vodka Lock and Load! Bad to the Bone! Absolut is for Sissies Blows Away the Others Duck!

Lairbohttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12023261658374519848noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6075015.post-1097728033565253822004-10-14T01:20:00.000-04:002004-10-29T09:05:12.560-04:00

Mixing Up Some Classics (Or Shakespeare Rattle and Roll) Little Richard III by William Shakespeare & Richard Penniman (aka Little Richard) Act One: SCENE II LADY ANNE Villain, thou know'st no law of God nor man: No beast so fierce but knows some touch of pity. Little Richard III Bama lama, bama loo, bama lama, bama loo, Bama lama, bama loo, bama lama, bama loo, Now I

Lairbohttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12023261658374519848noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6075015.post-1097687982719292832004-10-13T13:17:00.000-04:002004-10-18T17:49:08.223-04:00

Lindsay England, soldier in Iraqi prisoner abuse scandal gives birth to a son.

Lairbohttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12023261658374519848noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6075015.post-1097614998636258072004-10-12T16:52:00.000-04:002004-10-14T00:20:05.976-04:00

(with entirely insincere apologies to David Letterman) (1) The Game (2) Theme from Rocky (3) The O'Franken Factor (4) "Tea for the Tillerman" (5) Audio Version of Saddam Hussein's Latest Romance Novel (Narrated by James Earl Jones) (6) Dunno, but it sure is catchy (7) Dick Cheney's Feral Noises from Backstage (8) Brian Wilson's "Smile" (9) Dr. Laura's Call Screener's "Hold" Music (10) Static

Lairbohttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12023261658374519848noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6075015.post-1097516866696581572004-10-11T13:43:00.000-04:002004-10-11T14:06:36.220-04:00

Dear Ant Farmer's Almanac, Since you don't have an email address, how is it you have letters from readers? I don't understand. —Puzzled Dear Puzzled, Good point. But, answer us this: how is it we have a letter from you? —Ed. Dear Ant Farmer's Almanac, In the face of a likely BuschCo. recoronation, I admire your willingness to risk IRS audits and God-knows what other retribution from this

Lairbohttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12023261658374519848noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6075015.post-1095603123403914592004-09-19T10:10:00.000-04:002004-09-19T10:12:03.403-04:00

Fred Ebb, lyricist of the Broadway musical songwriting team of Kander and Ebb, died this week at the age of 76.

Lairbohttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12023261658374519848noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6075015.post-1093571789428186152004-08-26T21:48:00.000-04:002004-08-28T11:47:24.040-04:00

1: She was still alive? 2: 78? I thought she was like 90. 3: She lived in Phoenix? 4: Hmmm. . . 5: Well, whaddaya know?

Lairbohttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12023261658374519848noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6075015.post-1092590336800611442004-08-15T13:17:00.000-04:002004-08-16T20:52:49.436-04:00

"That was just way too trippy", says Olympic Committee spokesman. ATHENS, Greece (Ant Farmer's Almanac Newswire) Even before the athletic competitions had begun at the 2004 Olympic Games in Athens, the International Olympic Committee (IOC) announced that it would conduct drug tests on everyone associated with the Games' Opening Ceremonies. "They were just really weird," said IOC spokesman

Lairbohttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12023261658374519848noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6075015.post-1091619382645890002004-08-04T07:34:00.000-04:002004-08-04T16:22:12.870-04:00

New Book Reveals Secret of Last Supper Sneeze NEW YORK (Ant Farmer's Almanac Newswire) A stunning new art historical thriller, entitled The Da Vinci Cold, claims that the decay of Leonardo Da Vinci's classic fresco "The Last Supper" was caused by the artist's own germs when he sneezed all over the still damp pigment. Forensic art historians have spent years studying the patterns of

Lairbohttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12023261658374519848noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6075015.post-1089409226977603382004-07-09T17:39:00.000-04:002004-07-12T10:42:36.880-04:00

John Edwards Was Actually Kerry's Fourth Pick NEW YORK (Ant Farmer's Almanac Newswire) The New York Post has published an article claiming that presumptive Democratic presidential candidate John Kerry's first choice for a running mate was not, as previously reported, John McCain, Richard Gephardt or John Edwards but former vice president, Democratic party co-founder, political schemer,

Lairbohttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12023261658374519848noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6075015.post-1088604831376542052004-06-30T10:13:00.000-04:002004-06-30T10:13:51.376-04:00

The Idiot's Guide to Delight Crash Tests for Dummies The Idiot's Guide to Dostoefsky's The Idiot

Lairbohttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12023261658374519848noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6075015.post-1088190713781724222004-06-25T15:08:00.000-04:002005-01-30T11:23:00.943-05:00

HOLLYWOOD, CA (Ant Farmer's Almanac Newswire) In a move that has sent shockwaves through the world of musical dinner theater, singer Robert Goulet announced that he has taken a Hebrew name and now wishes to be known as "Shlomo." "I've heard a lot about the Kabbalah," said the veteran crooner, speaking from his dressing room in the Tri-County Arts Pavilion and Civic Center in Sapulpa, Oklahoma,

Lairbohttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12023261658374519848noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6075015.post-1087913391970864172004-06-22T10:07:00.000-04:002004-06-27T10:42:07.316-04:00

WASHINGTON, DC (Ant Farmer's Almanac Newswire) A radical new wing of the American Association of Retired Persons (AARP) calling itself "The 49ers" is lobbying to require the installation of a "G (Geezer) Chip" on all television sets made after 2006 that would allow viewers 50 or older to block advertisements and programming aimed exclusively at the 18-to-49-year-old demographic. "They don't

Lairbohttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12023261658374519848noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6075015.post-1087345425334143722004-06-15T20:23:00.000-04:002004-06-17T09:47:56.466-04:00

I came across the phrase "Hired Goons" recently and wondered, were there ever "Volunteer Goons"? And, when you do need to hire some goons, where do you find them? Do you place an ad in the New York Times? Monster.com? Craigslist?

Lairbohttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12023261658374519848noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6075015.post-1086963883260799692004-06-11T10:23:00.000-04:002004-06-11T10:24:43.260-04:00

Look for these conditions soon Adult Onset Selective Situational Tourette's Syndrome® (AOSSTS). Cause: Someone pisses you off. Symptom: You hurl obscenities at them. Pet Induced Stress Disorder® (PISD). Cause: Having a pet. Symptom: You have to ask, you don't have a dog.

Lairbohttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12023261658374519848noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6075015.post-1086660536322641432004-06-07T22:01:00.000-04:002004-06-16T09:11:47.500-04:00

Christians Are Flooding Stores With Books Preaching Bible-Inspired Dieting The Reverend George Malkmus's book, "The Hallelujah Diet," is drawn from Genesis, "What Would Jesus Eat?" by Dr. Don Colbert and "The Weigh Down Diet" by Gwen Shamblin have created eating plans based on scripture and Jordan S. Rubin's "The Maker's Diet." is based on the book of Leviticus. — from ABCNews.com New

Lairbohttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12023261658374519848noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6075015.post-1086405943351894842004-06-04T23:24:00.000-04:002004-06-05T11:19:34.423-04:00

Eager to duplicate the runaway success of the "Law & Order" spinoffs, producers of CBS' not-entirely-unpopular "Without A Trace" today unveiled the first three of their proposed franchise shows. Without A Clue A trio of the dimmest people you ever saw in your life struggle to figure something out in the space of an hour. Will they? Won't they? The suspense'll kill ya! Without An Umbrella They

Lairbohttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12023261658374519848noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6075015.post-1086194084155400772004-06-02T12:27:00.000-04:002004-06-03T07:57:08.276-04:00

Astronomers have created a sound clip of the noise the expanding universe was making in the first million years after the Big Bang.

Lairbohttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12023261658374519848noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6075015.post-1085440038511607982004-05-24T19:00:00.000-04:002004-05-25T20:19:13.950-04:00

"You thought we said WHAT?", says Scott McClellan. WASHINGTON, DC (Ant Farmer's Almanac Newswire) To the relief of much of the world, it was realized today that the June 30 "handover" of Iraq was all just a big misunderstanding. June 30 is actually the starting date of an American-Iraqi cross-cultural summer program sponsored by Phillips Academy Andover, the renowned Massachussets prep

Lairbohttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12023261658374519848noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6075015.post-1084888147232702592004-05-18T09:46:00.000-04:002004-06-29T21:58:10.323-04:00

BERKELEY, California (Ant Farmer's Almanac Newswire) A new animal rights group calling itself Animal Activists Resisting Ridiculous Fiction (AARRF) seeks to refute ". . . Inaccurate, false, misleading and harmful misrepresentations of non-human beings whether they reside in the barnyard or the back yard", according to a "manifesto" issued today announcing the group's existence and aims. Taking

Lairbohttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12023261658374519848noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6075015.post-1084839479040161962004-05-17T20:14:00.000-04:002004-05-17T20:18:58.123-04:00

Less Miserable: Uplifting Life Lessons from Great Literature Dogs are from Pluto, Cats are from, I Dunno, Someplace Else Thinking Outside the Litter Box: An MBA's Guide to Cat Behavior

Lairbohttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12023261658374519848noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6075015.post-1084453044786940722004-05-13T08:55:00.000-04:002004-05-13T08:59:09.116-04:00

Number Crunchies Good nutrition is as easy as 1-2-3 with Post's new Number Crunchies breakfast cereal. Riboflavin and 'rithmatic add up to a delicious morning meal or snack anytime! Whether your child is a budding CPA or rides the short bus to school, the digits 0 through 9 never tasted so good! Frosted Binary Bits Sugar-coated zeros and ones are the building blocks for a delicious, nutritious

Lairbohttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12023261658374519848noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6075015.post-1084369776019203492004-05-12T09:48:00.000-04:002004-05-12T12:17:01.626-04:00

Mexican Air Force pilots film UFO.

Lairbohttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12023261658374519848noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6075015.post-1084304020811201842004-05-11T15:28:00.000-04:002004-05-12T09:06:03.660-04:00

WASHINGTON, DC (Ant Farmer's Almanac Newswire) For weeks now, rumors have swirled around the capital about an FBI film showing John Kerry tossing his medals over the fence of the Capital Building at an antiwar demonstration in 1971, and that this film clearly shows that Kerry "Throws like a girl". The film has become something of an urban legend and may or may not even exist. The story has it

Lairbohttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12023261658374519848noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6075015.post-1084243711468458072004-05-10T22:45:00.000-04:002004-05-11T09:40:15.940-04:00

New Show: "FEAR FACTORY". It's "Fear Factor" meets "Survivor" meets "Punk'd" After being drugged and hypnotized, celebrity contestants find themselves in a working factory where, rather than being feted and fawned over, and, despite their increasingly shrill protests ("I never do my own stunts. It's in my contract! Get my agent on the phone!), are expected to run a drill press, a lathe or to

Lairbohttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12023261658374519848noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6075015.post-1083960683601033102004-05-07T16:11:00.000-04:002004-05-08T09:51:08.763-04:00

Krispy Kreme: Diets hurt doughnut sales

Lairbohttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12023261658374519848noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6075015.post-1083796210167092382004-05-05T18:29:00.000-04:002004-05-06T22:05:01.403-04:00

A woman was arrested for assaulting her live-in boyfriend with a mounted fish with a "pointy nose".

Lairbohttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12023261658374519848noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6075015.post-1083330433609434962004-04-30T08:56:00.000-04:002004-05-01T13:01:42.623-04:00

The most shocking thing (to me, anyway) about the reality/game show "Be My Baby", where Barbara Walters hosts a contest in which childless couples vie for the offspring of a 16-year-old unwed mother, is that it's not on Fox. It's on ABC. Which is owned by Disney. Disney! Out-Foxed by DISNEY!?! Somebody at Fox got fired over that one. Still, like it or not, this is just the first glimpse of the

Lairbohttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12023261658374519848noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6075015.post-1083241193777266672004-04-29T08:18:00.000-04:002004-04-30T12:00:52.670-04:00

The A.C. Southern California air-conditioning magnate Ace Connor tries to keep his cool amid the antics of his troublesome brood; his hottie second wife (is she as wayward as she is willfull?); his prodigal oldest son, back from who knows where for who knows how long; the hot-tempered younger son, resentful at being pushed aside and slavishly devoted to; his embittered mother, as cold as the

Lairbohttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12023261658374519848noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6075015.post-1083169871076341542004-04-28T12:29:00.000-04:002004-04-28T22:53:11.076-04:00

From the New York Times, April 27, 2004: Defenders of Christianity Rebut 'The Da Vinci Code' By LAURIE GOODSTEIN Fearing that the best-selling novel "The Da Vinci Code" may be sowing doubt about basic Christian beliefs, a host of Christian churches, clergy members and Bible scholars are rushing to rebut it. Readers have bought more than six million copies of the book, a historical thriller

Lairbohttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12023261658374519848noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6075015.post-1083083811172580272004-04-27T12:35:00.000-04:002004-04-27T12:44:35.780-04:00

Shriver: Schwarzenegger 'more compassionate' Maria Shriver says that hubby Arnold Schwarzenegger, who faced accusations of sexual misconduct with women during his campaign, is "more compassionate and considerate than he has ever been" according to a CNN story today.

Lairbohttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12023261658374519848noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6075015.post-1083068931723074082004-04-27T08:27:00.000-04:002004-06-16T09:03:25.266-04:00

The DaVinci Car Five centuries after his death scientists have figured out Leonardo da Vinci's design for an automobile and finally built it.

Lairbohttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12023261658374519848noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6075015.post-1082686502922237002004-04-22T22:12:00.000-04:002004-04-23T23:50:52.500-04:00

WASHINGTON, DC (Ant Farmer's Almanac Newswire) In a move that surprised many Beltway insiders, the Bush administration announced today that it is selling the sovereignty of Iraq on eBay®. "In the absence of any viable, willing or, for that matter, even particularly interested, entity to whom we could hand over the sovereignty of Iraq on the June 30 deadline," said White House press secretary

Lairbohttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12023261658374519848noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6075015.post-1081350628266228402004-04-07T11:10:00.000-04:002004-04-07T17:27:21.640-04:00

Timmy the tortoise, who was a ship's mascot in the Crimean War, has died at the age of 160.

Lairbohttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12023261658374519848noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6075015.post-1081215712095237932004-04-05T21:34:00.000-04:002004-04-05T23:43:05.733-04:00

HOLLYWOOD, CA (Ant Farmer's Almanac Newswire) In anticipation of the strict new "decency" codes that industry insiders expect to see enforced within the next few months, producers of the TV spinoff of the hit movie "Hellboy" have announced that the title of the series and its main character will be renamed "Heckboy." "Why take chances?" is how Joseph P. Manley, head of the production company

Lairbohttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12023261658374519848noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6075015.post-1080179758698612822004-03-24T20:54:00.000-05:002004-03-24T22:07:23.420-05:00

SALEM, OR (Ant Farmers Almanac Newswire) — Inspired by Benton County's halting all marriages, gay or straight, until the state of Oregon decides who can and can't marry, the state's Liquor Control Commission has ordered the immediate end of "Happy Hour" until someone defines exactly what "happiness" is. "We see the wisdom of what the authorities in Benton County have done," said Joseph P. Manley

Lairbohttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12023261658374519848noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6075015.post-1080073924018485872004-03-23T15:31:00.000-05:002004-03-23T15:35:30.340-05:00

Author traces Elvis Presley's ancestors to Scottish village of Lonmay.

Lairbohttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12023261658374519848noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6075015.post-1079653521835017312004-03-18T18:40:00.000-05:002004-03-19T13:47:50.263-05:00

From: The Office of Representative Walter Jones, R-North Carolina To: Bob Ney, R-Ohio, Chairman of the Committee on House Administration CC: Speaker of the House, Dennis Hastert, R, Illinois; Majority Leader,Tom DeLay, R-Texas; Majority Whip, Roy Blunt, R-Missouri BCC: White House Office of Political Strategy, Karl Rove RE: Retribution for Spain's recent treachery Bob, As per our

Lairbohttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12023261658374519848noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6075015.post-1079472494176436862004-03-16T16:26:00.000-05:002004-03-16T16:32:48.076-05:00

Just Resurrect and Serve! A Massachusetts company says its freezing technique allows some lobsters to come back to life when thawed.

Lairbohttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12023261658374519848noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6075015.post-1078934379704754222004-03-10T10:58:00.000-05:002004-03-10T14:13:25.920-05:00

It's the return of Menudo! '80s Latin boy band holding auditions.

Lairbohttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12023261658374519848noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6075015.post-1078857861388400992004-03-09T13:43:00.000-05:002004-03-09T22:23:22.576-05:00

New Names for (Soon-to-be-Formerly) Martha Stewart's Publications Big House, Inc. Unindicted Underlings Martha Stewart's Appealing We Never Liked Her The Williams-Sonoma Catalog Dennis Kucinich's Living Tastefulness Up the Wazoo Stylish Living Without that Diva Bitch Lording it Over You Martha Who? Bankrupt

Lairbohttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12023261658374519848noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6075015.post-1078324483535232422004-03-03T09:32:00.000-05:002004-04-18T12:10:03.873-04:00

WASHINGTON, DC (Ant Farmer's Almanac Newswire) — Just hours after the stunning announcement of its discovery of water on Mars, NASA issued a statement saying that further evidence indicates that it was almost certainly bottled water. "We're still processing information coming in from the Mars rover, so we don't have all the answers," said Dr. Joseph P. Manley, during a phone interview from his

Lairbohttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12023261658374519848noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6075015.post-1078204181940499612004-03-02T00:05:00.000-05:002004-03-02T09:58:59.996-05:00

Gay Divorce Lawyers Needed Est SF law firm seeks attys for forthcoming wave of gay divorces. Growth oppty. Big time. Successful candidate will have exp with divorce, comm prpty, state v city law. Palimony litigation, arbitration, contract law exp helpful. Grt oppty for aggressive go-getter with eye for high-profile, precedent-setting case law. Political aspirants OK. Conv location w/Bay view,

Lairbohttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12023261658374519848noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6075015.post-1078119414892952592004-03-01T00:33:00.000-05:002004-03-02T19:12:51.216-05:00

Novelization, Spinoffs Planned for Gibson's "Passion" HOLLYWOOD California (Ant Farmer's Almanac Newswire) — Stephen King, Thomas Harris and Anne Rice are under consideration for the job of penning the novelization of Mel Gibson's hit movie "The Passion of the Christ." Gibson's production company, Newmarket Films, has asked the three world-famous authors, each renowned for their vivid

Lairbohttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12023261658374519848noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6075015.post-1077913161930680552004-02-27T15:17:00.000-05:002004-02-27T15:24:36.326-05:00

McDonald's plans to nearly double its outlets in China before the 2008 Beijing Olympics.

Lairbohttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12023261658374519848noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6075015.post-1077514011823324152004-02-23T00:24:00.000-05:002004-02-24T22:55:29.200-05:00

NADER CANDIDACY PROMPTS GENERAL MOTORS TO BRING BACK THE CHEVROLET CORVAIR DETROIT, MI (Ant Farmer's Almanac Newswire) — General Motors is resurrecting the Chevrolet Corvair, made infamous by Ralph Nader's 1965 book "Unsafe at Any Speed." It was Nader's exposé of the auto industry's willful and callous disregard for passenger safety, and the design and engineering flaws of the Corvair in

Lairbohttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12023261658374519848noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6075015.post-107699410575909022004-02-17T00:01:00.000-05:002004-02-24T10:08:22.733-05:00

LOS ANGELES, CA (Ant Farmer's Almanac Newswire) — In the wake of its recent apology for OutKast's American Indian-themed performance at the Grammy Awards, and numerous mea culpas for the Janet Jackson "Wardrobe Malfunction" at the Super Bowl halftime show, the CBS Television Network officially apologized for everything in its Monday night prime time lineup except "Everybody Loves Raymond." "We

Lairbohttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12023261658374519848noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6075015.post-1076729325477780562004-02-13T22:07:00.000-05:002004-02-24T23:01:35.483-05:00

George W. Bush Was Never AWOL from the Texas Air National Guard — He was on a Top-Secret Special Assignment, Touring with the Rolling Stones! Using the latest in conspiracy theory technology, Ant Farmer's Almanac has pieced together this compelling and totally plausible scenario explaining George W. Bush's absence from his scheduled National Guard duty weekends (Note to Oliver Stone: The film

Lairbohttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12023261658374519848noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6075015.post-1076376408997055452004-02-09T20:20:00.000-05:002004-02-10T19:58:40.560-05:00

Truth in Advertising and Vice Versa Corporate sponsors routinely splash their names all over whatever event or stadium they've ponied up the money to rename after themselves. It's as American as Mom's Apple Pie®. Yet, when it comes to sponsoring politicians corporations get all modest and bashful and hush-hush about which elected official is on their payroll. It doesn't make any sense. You'd

Lairbohttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12023261658374519848noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6075015.post-1075926129941708262004-02-04T15:21:00.000-05:002004-02-18T14:39:18.360-05:00

From the CBS and CNN websites' TV Listings, respectively, for Wednesday, February 4: 8 p.m. CBS. 60 Minutes II. Larry King reveals to Mike Wallace why he thinks Michael Jackson would be a better guest on his CNN show, "Larry King Live," than Saddam Hussein. 9 p.m. CNN. Larry King Live. Ed Bradley of "60 Minutes" joins Larry in his first interview since his controversial chat with Michael

Lairbohttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12023261658374519848noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6075015.post-1075728028931828812004-02-02T08:20:00.000-05:002004-02-18T14:40:22.640-05:00

"What Isn't There Can't Burn" is New Forest Service Program's Premise SAN FRANCISCO, California (Ant Farmer's Almanac Newswire) — Citing the fire risk that trees present to America's forests, the Bush administration unveiled its "No Tree Left Behind" program that will quadruple the acreage of timberland in California's Sierra Nevadas available for commercial logging, thereby, it is claimed,

Lairbohttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12023261658374519848noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6075015.post-1075479609740195012004-01-30T11:19:00.000-05:002004-01-30T11:23:38.716-05:00

Fox to air two-episode dwarf dating/contest show called "The Littlest Groom".

Lairbohttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12023261658374519848noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6075015.post-1075331089953671762004-01-28T17:57:00.000-05:002004-02-18T14:41:03.860-05:00

With the cacophony of presidential primary campaigning and its attendant media circus mercifully over, the village of Brigadoon, New Hampshire can get back to normal — nonexistent. BRIGADOON, New Hampshire (Ant Farmer's Almanac Newswire) — As the morning after the New Hampshire primary dawned, workers were already rolling up this little town's sidewalks, literally, disassembling the storefronts

Lairbohttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12023261658374519848noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6075015.post-1075209701961613902004-01-27T08:20:00.000-05:002004-01-27T19:28:24.950-05:00

New product from LKPeteCo! OxyMoron-Clean® It Cleans and it Doesn't!

Lairbohttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12023261658374519848noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6075015.post-1075095523226614102004-01-26T00:37:00.000-05:002004-01-26T00:40:50.280-05:00

DORQUE In a world full of danger, intrigue and romance, there is one man who is none of these things . . . a man who stands alone . . . because not that many people can stand to be around him for very long . . . A man of mystery — he might be a scientist or he might be a comic book collector; he might be a math teacher or he might be night manager at Blockbuster — but whoever his is, his

Lairbohttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12023261658374519848noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6075015.post-1074834318963231452004-01-23T00:00:00.000-05:002004-02-18T14:41:57.310-05:00

Garfunkel, Chong Announce Fall 2004 Tour LOS ANGELES, California (Ant Farmer's Almanac Newswire) — In an effort to capitalize on the publicity generated by his recent arrest for possession of marijuana, representatives of Art Garfunkel have announced that the singer will team up for a tour of the nightclub circuit with fellow cannabis enthusiast comedian Tommy Chong. Mr. Garfunkel, 62, who was

Lairbohttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12023261658374519848noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6075015.post-1073513740333414712004-01-07T17:13:00.000-05:002004-01-08T18:40:53.000-05:00

Astronomers Find Sun's Twin

Lairbohttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12023261658374519848noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6075015.post-1073440248587214302004-01-06T20:50:00.000-05:002004-02-06T10:39:34.500-05:00

Croc Hunter's Dangling Infant Son in Front of Hungry Croc "Just Wrong" Says Hungry Croc QUEENSLAND, Australia (Ant Farmer's Almanac Newswire) — The latest voice in the chorus of outrage over TV personality Steve "Crocodile Hunter" Irwin's hand-feeding a hungry crocodile while holding his infant son comes from a surprising source: the hungry crocodile. "It was just wrong," said the 13-foot-long

Lairbohttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12023261658374519848noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6075015.post-1073069456109675982004-01-02T13:49:00.000-05:002004-01-04T21:19:20.850-05:00

Tokyo catches disco fever, again

Lairbohttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12023261658374519848noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6075015.post-1072891894280316422003-12-31T12:28:00.000-05:002004-02-18T15:19:03.966-05:00

LOS ANGELES, CA (AFA Newswire) — Thousands of beefcake calendars were recalled today in the wake of allegations that misters April, June and November contain steroids. It is feared that other months may be tainted as well. The calendars, all for the year 2004, and sold under the title "Hotties 'n' Hunks," feature photographs of muscular young men with well-formed physiques and chiselled good

Lairbohttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12023261658374519848noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6075015.post-1072700791928936262003-12-29T07:23:00.000-05:002004-02-18T15:18:09.326-05:00

WASHINGTON, DC (AFA Newswire) — The Bush administration today announced that its plan for "Nation Building" in Iraq is being scaled down to "Nation Redecorating." Acknowledging that "Appearances do matter" and that right now things in Iraq "Look pretty bad," Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld unveiled "Operation Iraqi Makeover." "The whole of Iraq, starting in Baghdad, will get spruced up,"

Lairbohttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12023261658374519848noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6075015.post-1072297169059835812003-12-24T15:16:00.000-05:002004-02-18T15:17:21.090-05:00

LAS VEGAS, NV (Ant Farmer's Almanac Newswire) In response to the city's inclusion on a list of possible American terror targets this holiday season, Las Vegas businessmen are taking homeland security into their own hands in true Vegas style. Several casinos along The Strip and Downtown are offering a variety of incentives from deep discounts to out-and-out freebies to any patron over the age of

Lairbohttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12023261658374519848noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6075015.post-1072136223251245882003-12-22T18:36:00.000-05:002003-12-22T18:38:30.990-05:00

Cat Survives 150 Mile Ride inside Car's Engine.

Lairbohttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12023261658374519848noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6075015.post-1071847897947718952003-12-19T10:30:00.000-05:002003-12-19T10:31:52.403-05:00

Keith Richards turned 60 on Dec. 18.

Lairbohttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12023261658374519848noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6075015.post-1071760673429153462003-12-18T10:17:00.000-05:002003-12-19T10:30:05.700-05:00

Long Battle Over Medical Marijuana Seen Ahead.

Lairbohttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12023261658374519848noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6075015.post-1071696573345400062003-12-17T16:26:00.000-05:002003-12-17T16:33:55.396-05:00

"It's such a sad day. The worst day ever," said the museum's director, who did not add, "Have you got any tartar sauce?"

Lairbohttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12023261658374519848noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6075015.post-1071501701221040512003-12-15T10:20:00.000-05:002004-01-08T18:58:16.440-05:00

Scientist Formulates "Perfect" Christmas Turkey.

Lairbohttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12023261658374519848noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6075015.post-1071171751494747672003-12-11T14:42:00.000-05:002003-12-11T15:39:53.356-05:00

Sunday, December 14 is Nostradomus' 500th birthday. But he doesn't look a day over 350 . . .

Lairbohttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12023261658374519848noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6075015.post-1070946187740189962003-12-09T00:02:00.000-05:002004-02-18T15:16:29.263-05:00

From the Tri-County Courier-Journal's Weekend Arts & Literature Supplement Section (Reprinted with permission.) Book Nook by Elliot Nook As the only book reviewer at the only newspaper in the Tri-County area, it is my job — my duty, really — to scout the literary landscape on behalf of what passes hereabouts for the "reading public". A collection of my weekly columns, "The Best of Book Nook,

Lairbohttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12023261658374519848noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6075015.post-1070600442121426962003-12-05T00:00:00.000-05:002003-12-05T00:00:53.243-05:00

West Virginia becomes last state to get a Starbucks.

Lairbohttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12023261658374519848noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6075015.post-1070479110158918672003-12-03T14:14:00.000-05:002004-01-08T19:01:06.550-05:00

Nothing says 'holiday' like a bacon-scented air freshener. Except, maybe, a mermaid outfit. The Albino Bowling Action Figure is my favorite (hint, hint).

Lairbohttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12023261658374519848noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6075015.post-1070475956037204602003-12-03T13:22:00.000-05:002003-12-03T13:27:40.086-05:00

Lawsuit seeks to rename Texas street now called Jap Road something — anything — else.

Lairbohttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12023261658374519848noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6075015.post-1070306770574948762003-12-01T14:24:00.000-05:002003-12-06T19:18:16.326-05:00

An Illinois man has legally changed his name from Raymond Allen Gray Jr to Bubba Bubba Bubba.

Lairbohttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12023261658374519848noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6075015.post-1070254907365103802003-12-01T00:00:00.000-05:002004-02-18T15:15:40.356-05:00

Press Release December 1, 2003 Solvang, California We are pleased to announce that as of noon today we have submitted the necessary legal documents and tax dodge forms to establish a political action committee called Anybody But Bush Again 2004 and hereafter known as and commonly referred to by its acronym ABBA 2004. First off, we wish it to be known that ABBA 2004 is in no way associated with

Lairbohttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12023261658374519848noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6075015.post-1069824821364440622003-11-26T00:22:00.000-05:002003-12-01T15:39:14.870-05:00

New from LKPeteCo.! This adorable plush toy will delight children as it teaches them about a potentially dangerous respiratory disorder. Sleep Apnea Ernie features the beloved Sesame Street® character singing a little song. As you lie him down, he closes his eyes and drifts off to sleep, begins to snore gently, then stops breathing for a moment and jolts himself awake with a comic snort, and the

Lairbohttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12023261658374519848noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6075015.post-1069736564491165402003-11-25T00:02:00.000-05:002003-11-25T00:02:52.940-05:00

I'd always figured it would play out this way: One of Michael Jackson's former "playmates" would return, all grown up (and more than a little twisted), knock on Neverland's front door, say "Hello Michael. Remember me?", then pull out a large caliber handgun and empty a full clip into the gloved one. At the subsequent trial, hordes of fellow former child companions would come out of the woodwork —

Lairbohttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12023261658374519848noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6075015.post-1069727898305421562003-11-24T21:34:00.000-05:002004-01-16T16:23:59.500-05:00

The Welsh town of Cowbridge plans to host its own version of Pamplona, Spain's famous running of the bulls but with cows instead of bulls.

Lairbohttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12023261658374519848noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6075015.post-1069688077987752262003-11-24T10:33:00.000-05:002003-11-24T10:34:45.860-05:00

Bowling Trophy Wife.

Lairbohttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12023261658374519848noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6075015.post-1069681586750552252003-11-24T08:41:00.000-05:002003-11-24T08:46:34.443-05:00

1) Occam's Razor 2) No, I don't come here often 3) Eric Blair 4) Maize 5) Mt. McKinley

Lairbohttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12023261658374519848noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6075015.post-1069426426372183452003-11-21T09:52:00.000-05:002003-11-21T10:06:50.073-05:00

While watching a TV commercial for a fitness program that promises to give you "rock-hard abs", I wondered if rock-hard abs are really an entirely good thing. Couldn't there be a downside? DOCTOR: "I'm sorry, there's nothing we can do. Your husband is going to die." WOMAN: "But it's just appendicitis. That's not fatal, is it?" DOCTOR: "No, not usually, but our puny medical instruments are no

Lairbohttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12023261658374519848noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6075015.post-1069352210284936912003-11-20T13:12:00.000-05:002003-11-20T21:25:09.486-05:00

Recovered leprosy patients are angry after a Japanese hotel cancelled their group's reservation out of concern that other guests wouldn't want to share the resort's popular communal hot springs with them.

Lairbohttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12023261658374519848noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6075015.post-1069282796128219292003-11-19T17:54:00.000-05:002003-11-19T18:11:22.350-05:00

Amid protests and complaints of misleading if not deceptive advertising, KFC pulled the plug on its recent ad campaign that bragged its fried chicken was "healthy" (albeit only when compared to a Burger King Whopper with cheese). The company stands by its previous claim that their product "tastes like chicken".

Lairbohttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12023261658374519848noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6075015.post-1069255645111222552003-11-19T10:20:00.000-05:002003-11-20T14:37:44.346-05:00

John Lennon's handwritten lyrics to Beatles' song Nowhere Man sell for $455,000 at Christies Auction House. Meanwhile, down the street, sidewalk vendor selling Yoko Ono CDs gets nowhere, man.

Lairbohttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12023261658374519848noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6075015.post-1069163669764597362003-11-18T08:48:00.000-05:002003-11-18T20:52:02.926-05:00

Cell phone rings during funeral, from inside the closed coffin. No word on what tune the ring was set for.

Lairbohttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12023261658374519848noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6075015.post-1069086787505708592003-11-17T11:29:00.000-05:002003-11-17T11:34:02.180-05:00

1) The Treaty of Ghent. 2) False. 3) The surgeon was the boy's mother! 4) C. No, wait. D. Yeah, D. 5) Yes, I would like fries with that.

Lairbohttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12023261658374519848noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6075015.post-1069009194431434122003-11-16T13:57:00.000-05:002004-02-18T15:14:39.090-05:00

From the Tri-County Courier-Journal Weekend Arts Update Briefly Noted by Elliott Nook As any visitor to the Tri-County Courthouse Annex can attest, the walk from the East Main Street entrance to the south wing hearing rooms is a long one, whether you're reporting for jury duty or coming in to surrender your drivers license, no matter how many times you've done it. The exhibit currently

Lairbohttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12023261658374519848noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6075015.post-1068867579815901872003-11-14T22:38:00.000-05:002003-11-14T22:42:02.893-05:00

Fijian villagers apologize to descendants of missionary they ate.

Lairbohttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12023261658374519848noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6075015.post-1068763381377872862003-11-13T17:41:00.000-05:002003-11-13T17:43:06.383-05:00

When it happens (and you know it will) should rap music for little kids be called "hippity-hoppity"?

Lairbohttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12023261658374519848noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6075015.post-1068757113680643112003-11-13T15:57:00.000-05:002003-11-20T14:40:09.800-05:00

1) Video Killed the Radio Star 2) Club Soda 3) Some guy, you don't know him. Always wears sunglasses. 4) True Grit, although he really deserved it for The Searchers. Or Red River. 5) Take the 1, 9, A, B, C or D train to Columbus Circle (59th St.), walk two blocks south to 57th, turn east and walk to Seventh Avenue. It's on the southeast corner. Or "practice". Is that how you meant it?

Lairbohttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12023261658374519848noreply@blogger.com0