Tuesday, May 18, 2004

The Cat in the What? 

BERKELEY, California (Ant Farmer's Almanac Newswire) A new animal rights group calling itself Animal Activists Resisting Ridiculous Fiction (AARRF) seeks to refute ". . . Inaccurate, false, misleading and harmful misrepresentations of non-human beings whether they reside in the barnyard or the back yard", according to a "manifesto" issued today announcing the group's existence and aims.

Taking its cue from the religious groups that banded together to rebut faith-shaking allegations in the bestselling book "The Da Vinci Code", AARRF is a loose coalition of several dozen animal rights organizations that seeks to rectify ". . .the incalculable damage done by centuries of anthropomorphizing creatures who do not and cannot talk, walk upright; wear pants, hats, glasses or shoes; surf, play poker, pool or the banjo; or drive a car, much less operate elaborate propulsive and explosive devices allowing them to catch up to and entrap other, faster animals; and, except for certain chimpanzees, smoke cigars and rollerskate".

Reached for comment by phone, Ms. Anne Thorpe, "spokesbeing" for AARRF, elaborated on the group's purpose, stating that, "Clearly, depictions of animals engaging in humanlike behavior, from Aesop to Disney, however amusing and benignly-intentioned, only encourages people to treat animals the way they treat humans and, let's face it, people treat humans like shit. Animals deserve better than that."

"Besides," added Ms. Thorpe, "As anyone who's ever cohabited with a feline companion animal can tell you" she sighed, "No cat has ever willingly worn a hat."

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