Monday, May 24, 2004

Handover!?! We Meant Andover! 

"You thought we said WHAT?", says Scott McClellan.

WASHINGTON, DC (Ant Farmer's Almanac Newswire) To the relief of much of the world, it was realized today that the June 30 "handover" of Iraq was all just a big misunderstanding.

June 30 is actually the starting date of an American-Iraqi cross-cultural summer program sponsored by Phillips Academy Andover, the renowned Massachussets prep school founded in 1778 and usually referred to simply as "Andover".

Apparently, it is the school's name that caused the confusion.

Speaking on condition of anonymity, White House press secretary Scott McClellan stated, "This is obviously a simple misunderstanding that got way out of hand," adding, "I'm not saying that some in the media and in the state department willfully and repeatedly misinterpreted and misrepresented what the president and others said about this fine program Andover is hosting in Iraq, but I think we all know who they are and what their agenda is."

McClellan went on to explain that the purpose of Andover's summer session in Iraq is "To bridge the gap between America's leaders of tomorrow and the young Iraqis who will someday be doing their bidding."

The U.S. students will spend six weeks at Andover's Baghdad campus compound, where they will tutor a handpicked group of Iraqi teenagers on the American path to leadership. Seminars will include "The Old School Tie", "Wrinkling khakis ever-just-so", "How to spot an inferior blazer by its buttons", "Talking without moving your jaw", "Glee Club", "Squatting to Pee" and "Hazing 101".

Joseph P. "Skipper" Manley III, student spokesman for the Andover group, said, "These young Iraqi fellows can't be expected to know anything about assuming leadership without the overdeveloped sense of entitlement and privilege that only an American prep school education can provide."

Neither McClellan or anyone associated with Andover would answer reporters' questions about why no literature or information about the program existed before last Friday, and why the parents of some of the Andover students involved didn't seem to know about it at all. McClellan responded sharply, "These are fine, brave Americans sacrificing a crucial part of a summer vacation of their young lives on behalf of their country. I think we owe them a debt of gratitude, not insults and insinuations of political skullduggery."

Fox News devoted 48 hours of non-stop coverage and commentary to the Handover/Andover contretemps, blasting other media outlets as having once and for all exposed their treasonous liberal bias and bilious hatred of America. A spokesman for Rush Limbaugh said the radio host was withholding comment until he could figure out how it was Hillary Clinton's fault.

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