Wednesday, December 31, 2003

Beefcake Recall 

LOS ANGELES, CA (AFA Newswire) — Thousands of beefcake calendars were recalled today in the wake of allegations that misters April, June and November contain steroids. It is feared that other months may be tainted as well.

The calendars, all for the year 2004, and sold under the title "Hotties 'n' Hunks," feature photographs of muscular young men with well-formed physiques and chiselled good looks, provocatively posed wearing some — but rarely all — of the gear associated with one or other traditionally hyper-masculine endeavor.

At a press conference announcing the recall, authorities — four pale, paunchy middle-aged guys with bad haircuts — told assembled reporters that the threats to consumers of the effected calendars include ". . . ludicrously inflated expectations, unrealistic standards and/or a chronic sense of dismay, dissatisfaction and disappointment."

Although the suspect beefcake is all from a single company, Manley Productions International, based in Van Nuys, other makers of male pin-up paraphernalia were quick to come forward with statements, ranging from Chippendale's outright denial of any steroid use to Playgirl magazine's call for an industry wide quarantine.

Reached for comment via cell phone from his boat in Marina del Rey, Michael Manley, president of Manley Productions, said, "Sure, there's some 'enhancement.' We'll oil 'em up for the camera and maybe airbrush out a mole, or something; but steroids, no. We don't have that kind of money."

Despite hinting that the beefcake in question originated in Canada — Mr. February is pictured skiing in Banff — Manley flatly denied an unrelated assertion that Mr. August is not really 'Eric, a 28-year-old fireman from Boise, Idaho,' but, in fact, a professional model from Florida named Randy Carlton who is trying to break into the film business.

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