Monday, December 29, 2003
Faux Finish for Iraq
WASHINGTON, DC (AFA Newswire) — The Bush administration today announced that its plan for "Nation Building" in Iraq is being scaled down to "Nation Redecorating."
Acknowledging that "Appearances do matter" and that right now things in Iraq "Look pretty bad," Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld unveiled "Operation Iraqi Makeover."
"The whole of Iraq, starting in Baghdad, will get spruced up," said Christopher Lowell, spokesman for the Operation Iraqi Makeover planning committee. The group's members include experts in interior design, interior decorating, tromp l'oeil painting, floral arranging and one whose specialty was defined only as 'culture.' "We'll have the place looking super-fabulous way before the Republican Conven . . . I mean, eh, before you know it. Heh, heh."
Lowell described the current situation in Iraq, "Earth tones everywhere you look! Sand, sky, palm trees! Everyone in caftans! My God, it's like Canyon Ranch without the facials and the juice bar," he exclaimed. Still, Lowell is optimistic about the chances for success. "What with all those antique vases and bric-a-brac from the museums — I mean, they all took something — you'll see the most divine potted plant arrangements in every foyer and patio, and tchotchkes on mantlepieces and such," he sighed, "It'll be just gorgeous."
Asked to respond to charges from congressional Democrats that this is just a whitewash for the Bush administration's disastrous mismanagement of post-war Iraq, Lowell turned chilly and snipped, "This is NOT a whitewash; it's much, much more than that. We're talking about sanding, replastering, repainting, re-upholstering and a unicameral parliamentary republic with term-limited representatives democratically elected by a simple majority," adding, "Oh, and new curtains and an unregulated free-market economy."
Pressed to reconcile this dramatic change of goals for the U.S. occupation of Iraq with those stated before the war, Lowell, replied, "It's like when you buy a house. At first you want to redo everything but then you realize how long that would take and how much it would cost, and you decide you can live with most of what's already there, after all. Even the most awful carpeting."
A reporter asked Lowell about the rumor circulating at D.C. cocktail parties that Martha Stewart will be pardoned by President Bush before her obstruction of justice case ever goes to trial and that she'll subsequently be appointed U.S. Lifestyle Envoy to Iraq. This theory proposes that by ensuring Stewart never appears in open court, the administration would prevent revelations embarrassing to Republican power brokers in the finance industry. In addition, Ms. Stewart would work from an office in Baghdad, placing her well beyond criticism and additional subpoenas. "That's just a silly story," said Rumsfeld, shoving aside Lowell to get back to the microphone, "Besides, it could never work, could it?" he asked, "Could it? . . . Excuse me, I have to make a call."
Lowell would neither confirm or deny Stewart's involvement in Operation Iraqi Makeover but said unequivocally that her name is not on the short list of nominees for the crucial position of Feng Shui Master.
The one thing everyone agrees on is that Iraq is 'Just a mess' and there's a lot of work to do.
"We may not be able to turn Iraq into a fabulous western-style democracy," chirped Lowell, "But we can sure make it look like one."
Acknowledging that "Appearances do matter" and that right now things in Iraq "Look pretty bad," Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld unveiled "Operation Iraqi Makeover."
"The whole of Iraq, starting in Baghdad, will get spruced up," said Christopher Lowell, spokesman for the Operation Iraqi Makeover planning committee. The group's members include experts in interior design, interior decorating, tromp l'oeil painting, floral arranging and one whose specialty was defined only as 'culture.' "We'll have the place looking super-fabulous way before the Republican Conven . . . I mean, eh, before you know it. Heh, heh."
Lowell described the current situation in Iraq, "Earth tones everywhere you look! Sand, sky, palm trees! Everyone in caftans! My God, it's like Canyon Ranch without the facials and the juice bar," he exclaimed. Still, Lowell is optimistic about the chances for success. "What with all those antique vases and bric-a-brac from the museums — I mean, they all took something — you'll see the most divine potted plant arrangements in every foyer and patio, and tchotchkes on mantlepieces and such," he sighed, "It'll be just gorgeous."
Asked to respond to charges from congressional Democrats that this is just a whitewash for the Bush administration's disastrous mismanagement of post-war Iraq, Lowell turned chilly and snipped, "This is NOT a whitewash; it's much, much more than that. We're talking about sanding, replastering, repainting, re-upholstering and a unicameral parliamentary republic with term-limited representatives democratically elected by a simple majority," adding, "Oh, and new curtains and an unregulated free-market economy."
Pressed to reconcile this dramatic change of goals for the U.S. occupation of Iraq with those stated before the war, Lowell, replied, "It's like when you buy a house. At first you want to redo everything but then you realize how long that would take and how much it would cost, and you decide you can live with most of what's already there, after all. Even the most awful carpeting."
A reporter asked Lowell about the rumor circulating at D.C. cocktail parties that Martha Stewart will be pardoned by President Bush before her obstruction of justice case ever goes to trial and that she'll subsequently be appointed U.S. Lifestyle Envoy to Iraq. This theory proposes that by ensuring Stewart never appears in open court, the administration would prevent revelations embarrassing to Republican power brokers in the finance industry. In addition, Ms. Stewart would work from an office in Baghdad, placing her well beyond criticism and additional subpoenas. "That's just a silly story," said Rumsfeld, shoving aside Lowell to get back to the microphone, "Besides, it could never work, could it?" he asked, "Could it? . . . Excuse me, I have to make a call."
Lowell would neither confirm or deny Stewart's involvement in Operation Iraqi Makeover but said unequivocally that her name is not on the short list of nominees for the crucial position of Feng Shui Master.
The one thing everyone agrees on is that Iraq is 'Just a mess' and there's a lot of work to do.
"We may not be able to turn Iraq into a fabulous western-style democracy," chirped Lowell, "But we can sure make it look like one."
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