Wednesday, December 24, 2003

Vegas-Style Homeland Security, Baby 

LAS VEGAS, NV (Ant Farmer's Almanac Newswire) In response to the city's inclusion on a list of possible American terror targets this holiday season, Las Vegas businessmen are taking homeland security into their own hands in true Vegas style.

Several casinos along The Strip and Downtown are offering a variety of incentives from deep discounts to out-and-out freebies to any patron over the age of 18 with a photo I.D. proving them to be a member of the Al-Qaeda terrorist network or related international terror organization.

"We're not talking about just your run-of-the-mill, America-hating foreigner; you know, the French or any of those snotty Eurotrash types," said Sam "Ace" Rothstein, manager of the Tangiers Hotel-Casino and spokesman for the consortium of a dozen-or-so establishments involved in the scheme, "We mean the real hard-core nut-jobs with nitro in their pants and a rental truck full of uranium."

Rothstein acknowledged that they hadn't worked out every detail when it comes to making an offer would-be terrorists can't refuse, "We figure a $100 worth of quarters for the slots, maybe stake 'em $1,000-worth of chips for the tables, 25% off the buffet table — 50% off beef dishes — plus, we'll comp the room and validate parking." When a reporter expressed doubts that the Tangiers' buffet would dissuade a determined suicide bomber from detonating himself with a dirty bomb, Rothstein menacingly waved a fistful of shrimp in the reporter's face and barked, "See this? Fresh from the Gulf of f***ing Mexico! Flown in overnight. You know what it f***ing costs me to fly in fresh shrimp from Mississippi or Alabama or wherever the f*** this stuff is from? Huh? Do you? I didn't think so, you f***ing pansy."

While Rothstein allowed that, at present, none of the big name stage acts in town had signed on to the deal, he did say — with a sly wink — that he and others were "in serious negotiations" with representatives of Penn & Teller, Wayne Newton and Siegfried.

Rothstein also hinted at another big draw for Vegas-bound terrorists: women. "These guys, they think if they blow themselves up they're gonna wind up in heaven with — what is it, 70? — virgins," he said, "Now, I can't talk about it too much, but I guarantee you, these guys come here and play ball with me, they'll get all the girls they can handle. Okay, maybe not 70 each and none of 'em will be virgins, exactly, but they'll get enough tail to keep 'em busy till next Ramadan, no problem. I got broads who'll do anybody, no matter what he's got in the trunk of his car or what kind of rag he's wearin' on his head."

When reached by phone for a comment about the unique venture, the Director of Marketing and Public Relations for the Las Vegas Visitors and Convention Bureau said, "WHAT THE F. . . ?!? I'll have to get back to you."

A televised advertising campaign promoting the offer began running on Al-Jazeera and UPN December 22, and is scheduled to continue at least through the new year.

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