Tuesday, February 17, 2004

CBS Apologizes for Becker, Yes Dear. 

LOS ANGELES, CA (Ant Farmer's Almanac Newswire) — In the wake of its recent apology for OutKast's American Indian-themed performance at the Grammy Awards, and numerous mea culpas for the Janet Jackson "Wardrobe Malfunction" at the Super Bowl halftime show, the CBS Television Network officially apologized for everything in its Monday night prime time lineup except "Everybody Loves Raymond."

"We feel just awful," said CBS, once known as the "Tiffany Network," although no one remembers exactly why. "We just want to acknowledge and apologize for the fact that "Becker," Yes, Dear," "Two and a Half Men" and "Still Standing" totally suck before anyone has a chance to complain. We thought if we clustered them all around "Raymond" that no one would care. We were wrong. These programs were just terrible mistakes. We can see that now." The network promised that "Becker" will be gone soon, anyway, and since nobody's watching the other shows now, they probably won't be around long enough for anyone to notice how bad they are. "I mean, c'mon," said the network, "Becker" was on for, what, six years before anybody realized it was just awful."

Just to be on the safe side, CBS also took the opportunity to express its regrets for having ever aired "Alice," "Diagnosis Murder," "The Dukes of Hazzard," "Muppet Babies," "One Day at a Time" and "Touched by an Angel" as well as for not renewing "WKRP in Cincinnati" for a fifth season.

"We just hope that the American television viewing public can find it in their hearts to forgive us" continued CBS, "And to be sure to watch "The Handler," starring Joe Pantoliono, Friday nights at 10 p.m. (9 Central)."

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