Wednesday, March 24, 2004

Happy Hour on Hold 

SALEM, OR (Ant Farmers Almanac Newswire) — Inspired by Benton County's halting all marriages, gay or straight, until the state of Oregon decides who can and can't marry, the state's Liquor Control Commission has ordered the immediate end of "Happy Hour" until someone defines exactly what "happiness" is.

"We see the wisdom of what the authorities in Benton County have done," said Joseph P. Manley, the liquor commission's associate director, "And we believe that this same approach can be applied to other perplexing questions. I mean, really, what is happiness, anyway?" asked Manley in a plaintive voice. "Things that make some people happy don't make other people happy," he continued, "Lots of stuff I like to do — stuff that makes me very happy — doesn't make my wife happy at all, and then stuff that she loves to do I just can't stand. It's so confusing," said Manley, shaking his head forlornly, "Why can't anyone just tell us once and for all?"

In addition to its own investigation into the nature of what constitutes happiness, the Liquor Commission has recommended that the department of weights and measures look into why the "Hour" designated for happiness is 5 p.m. to 8 p.m. in some bars, 3 p.m. to 7 p.m. in others but 4 p.m. to 6:45 p.m. at this one place in Portland.

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