Wednesday, March 03, 2004
NASA Finds Bottled Water on Mars
WASHINGTON, DC (Ant Farmer's Almanac Newswire) — Just hours after the stunning announcement of its discovery of water on Mars, NASA issued a statement saying that further evidence indicates that it was almost certainly bottled water.
"We're still processing information coming in from the Mars rover, so we don't have all the answers," said Dr. Joseph P. Manley, during a phone interview from his offices at the Jet Propulsion Laboratory in Pasadena and amid boisterous celebrations, "For instance, we don't yet know whether the water was sparkling or just regular."
Asked to address speculation by scientists from outside NASA that this new "evidence" is just "space litter", perhaps a drink cannister discarded from the Russian Soyez space station or an early U.S. shuttle mission, Dr. Manley's reply could not be heard over the background noise, which included the sound of popping champagne corks, noisemakers, slurping sounds and chants of "Chug! Chug! Chug!" and "Man-LEE! Man-LEE! Man-LEE!".
After a resounding belch, Dr. Manley continued, "At the very least, we know there was enough water on Mars to support life as we know it, which, of course also means that in all likelihood, Martians hosted wet t-shirt contests and, uh, mud wrestling."
When queried about earlier reports that the rover had found indications of vast enough amounts of water to have once covered the entire Martian surface, Manley paused and responded, "Whoa! That much water would be, like, an ocean. And if there were oceans, then there would be sharks. . . Martian sharks! Sharks with ray guns and spaceships!", Manley hesitated, then went on, "Space sharks. . . nothing we've got can defeat them! We're doomed! Doomed, I tell you! Run for your lives! AAAAAAAAHHHHHH!"
Another JPL scientist, Dr. James "Jim-Bob" Reyman, picked up the dropped phone to continue the interview, "Yes, what we've seen today confirms that there was water and, therefore, life, on Mars," concluded Dr. Reyman, who would not, however, confirm or deny that the bottled water found was really just tap water run through a filter and cleverly marketed, saying only that "Since it was bottled water, whatever life there was on Mars, while clearly intelligent, was also very gullible."
"We're still processing information coming in from the Mars rover, so we don't have all the answers," said Dr. Joseph P. Manley, during a phone interview from his offices at the Jet Propulsion Laboratory in Pasadena and amid boisterous celebrations, "For instance, we don't yet know whether the water was sparkling or just regular."
Asked to address speculation by scientists from outside NASA that this new "evidence" is just "space litter", perhaps a drink cannister discarded from the Russian Soyez space station or an early U.S. shuttle mission, Dr. Manley's reply could not be heard over the background noise, which included the sound of popping champagne corks, noisemakers, slurping sounds and chants of "Chug! Chug! Chug!" and "Man-LEE! Man-LEE! Man-LEE!".
After a resounding belch, Dr. Manley continued, "At the very least, we know there was enough water on Mars to support life as we know it, which, of course also means that in all likelihood, Martians hosted wet t-shirt contests and, uh, mud wrestling."
When queried about earlier reports that the rover had found indications of vast enough amounts of water to have once covered the entire Martian surface, Manley paused and responded, "Whoa! That much water would be, like, an ocean. And if there were oceans, then there would be sharks. . . Martian sharks! Sharks with ray guns and spaceships!", Manley hesitated, then went on, "Space sharks. . . nothing we've got can defeat them! We're doomed! Doomed, I tell you! Run for your lives! AAAAAAAAHHHHHH!"
Another JPL scientist, Dr. James "Jim-Bob" Reyman, picked up the dropped phone to continue the interview, "Yes, what we've seen today confirms that there was water and, therefore, life, on Mars," concluded Dr. Reyman, who would not, however, confirm or deny that the bottled water found was really just tap water run through a filter and cleverly marketed, saying only that "Since it was bottled water, whatever life there was on Mars, while clearly intelligent, was also very gullible."
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