Thursday, March 18, 2004

Remembering the Maine Chance 

From: The Office of Representative Walter Jones, R-North Carolina

To: Bob Ney, R-Ohio, Chairman of the Committee on House Administration

CC: Speaker of the House, Dennis Hastert, R, Illinois; Majority Leader,Tom DeLay, R-Texas; Majority Whip, Roy Blunt, R-Missouri

BCC: White House Office of Political Strategy, Karl Rove

RE: Retribution for Spain's recent treachery


As per our conversation this morning, I'm forwarding suggestions for the renaming ("rebranding" as one of my interns put it) of any and all items with the word "Spanish" in them for inclusion in whatever legislation we cook up in retaliation for Spain's withdrawal from the coalition. This won't be a cakewalk like with the French. Spaniards aren't so snotty or insufferable as the French (who could be?), and it'd be hard to top the success of your "Freedom Fries" for verbal snap, but, hey, we can't look this gift caballo in the mouth (ha, ha). I'm told that there is some historical precedent for Spain stabbing America in the back. I'll look into it and let you know if we can use it somehow.

It's been over a year now (time sure flies, doesn't it?) since we stuck it to the French, and Americans need a fresh reminder that Europe (except England, which isn't really even in Europe if you look at a map, for chrissakes) isn't to be trusted or even, whenever possible, referred to by name. There isn't a damn thing from Spain that we can't make or do 1000% better right here in the U.S of A. Don't get me wrong, I like sangria and tacos as much as the next guy, but we've got to draw a line in the sand. Again.

I agree, too, that we need to cast our net wider and not restrict ourselves to just renaming things from the menu in the House of Representatives cafeteria like last time. Let's think big, Bob!

Anyway, we tossed around several possible replacement words for "Spanish", including "Loyalty", "Coalition" and "Patriot" but "Steadfast" was our choice for, my staff tells me, it's subtlety, irony and alliteration.

Here's a few to start the ball rolling:

Steadfast Omelette
Steadfast Influenza
Steadfast Moss
Steadfast Fly
Lady of Steadfastness
(the) Steadfast Inquistion
(the) Steadfast Civil War
(the) Steadfast-American War
(the) Steadfast Armada
(the) Steadfast Prisoner (I admit that I don't get this last one, myself, but my staffers assure me it's essential)

In addition to the items above, "tapas" will be renamed "hors d'ouevres, and the insult "Spic" will become "Stead" or maybe "Steader". I would have liked to have a few more, but when I asked my staff why the list was so short, they all got real quiet. I guess they were just tuckered out from all that reading. I know I would be.

Let me know what you think. I'd like to have this ready to go early next week if possible. We gotta strike while this iron is still hot, hot, hot!

Regards, Walt

ps: I know I should cc the Dems about this, but really, would you want to miss the looks on their faces when we introduce this on the House floor? Me, neither.

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