Tuesday, May 11, 2004

Kerry Threw His Medals "Like a Girl" 

WASHINGTON, DC (Ant Farmer's Almanac Newswire) For weeks now, rumors have swirled around the capital about an FBI film showing John Kerry tossing his medals over the fence of the Capital Building at an antiwar demonstration in 1971, and that this film clearly shows that Kerry "Throws like a girl".

The film has become something of an urban legend and may or may not even exist. The story has it that an undercover FBI agent shot clandestine footage of the demonstration in case any illegal activity took place and law enforcement needed evidence for prosecution.

None of the dozen-or-so Beltway insiders interviewed had actually seen it themselves, but all of them knew somebody that had and who had told them about it. In some retellings it was medals thrown and in others ribbons, but all accounts emphasize the limp-wristed, sissy style lob by Kerry.

Democratic Party activists point to the Bush-Cheney 2004 re-election staff as the source for these rumors, and accuse them of perpetrating a cheap campaign smear. A spokesman for the Bush campaign denied the accusations, saying, "We can do a perfectly good job of character assasination on our own. We don't need any help from the FBI," adding, "Especially not with some out-of-focus, silent, badly lit, grainy black & white 8mm film from 30 years ago."

Asked how it was he knew that the film was 8mm, black & white, grainy, badly lit, silent and out of focus, the spokesman suddenly heard a phone ringing in another room and had to leave.

When asked about the film and the furor surrounding it, White House Press Secretary Scott McClellan stated that he could "Neither confirm nor deny that such a film exists or whether I've seen it personally," adding with a barely suppressed chuckle, "But if you've ever watched 12-year-old girls play slow pitch softball, it's kinda like that."

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