ant farmer's almanac

It's 527. Do You Know Where Your Campaign Is?

WASHINGTON, DC (Ant Farmer's Almanac Newswire) On Saturday, Vice President Cheney told an assembled crowd that, if elected, John Kerry would "Return the Louisiana Purchase to France," adding, "But no Texan will have to trade in his Stetson for a beret; not on my watch, not without a fight!" When pressed for the source of this extraordinary claim, Cheney's staffers hastily presented as evidence xerox copies of numerous Kerry speeches in which the words "France", "Louisiana", "Return", and "Purchase" were highlighted with yellow magic marker. Although the four words were never used together in the same speech and are scattered throughout four separate documents, Cheney's spokesman stood firm stating flatly, that, "It's right here in black and white! In his own words! What more proof do you people need, anyway?"

Elsewhere, the pro-Bush 527 group "Veterinarians for Truth" resurfaced. Formed last summer to refute claims that John Kerry had acted heroically in saving the life of his daughters' hamster, their new ad charges that on several occasions Kerry had surreptitiously replaced a dead pet goldfish with a lookalike, hoping that his children wouldn't notice the difference. The ad goes on to imply that Kerry was responsible for the fishes' deaths because he "flip-flopped about how often to change the aquarium water."

In belated response to the growing controversy about the bulge in the back of President Bush's jacket during the debate, White House spokesman Andrew Card blamed acid reflux, saying that not only was it the cause of Bush's poor performance that night but a box of Prevacid misplaced by a junior campaign aide had created the mysterious bulge.