Monday, May 24, 2004

Handover!?! We Meant Andover! 

"You thought we said WHAT?", says Scott McClellan.

WASHINGTON, DC (Ant Farmer's Almanac Newswire) To the relief of much of the world, it was realized today that the June 30 "handover" of Iraq was all just a big misunderstanding.

June 30 is actually the starting date of an American-Iraqi cross-cultural summer program sponsored by Phillips Academy Andover, the renowned Massachussets prep school founded in 1778 and usually referred to simply as "Andover".

Apparently, it is the school's name that caused the confusion.

Speaking on condition of anonymity, White House press secretary Scott McClellan stated, "This is obviously a simple misunderstanding that got way out of hand," adding, "I'm not saying that some in the media and in the state department willfully and repeatedly misinterpreted and misrepresented what the president and others said about this fine program Andover is hosting in Iraq, but I think we all know who they are and what their agenda is."

McClellan went on to explain that the purpose of Andover's summer session in Iraq is "To bridge the gap between America's leaders of tomorrow and the young Iraqis who will someday be doing their bidding."

The U.S. students will spend six weeks at Andover's Baghdad campus compound, where they will tutor a handpicked group of Iraqi teenagers on the American path to leadership. Seminars will include "The Old School Tie", "Wrinkling khakis ever-just-so", "How to spot an inferior blazer by its buttons", "Talking without moving your jaw", "Glee Club", "Squatting to Pee" and "Hazing 101".

Joseph P. "Skipper" Manley III, student spokesman for the Andover group, said, "These young Iraqi fellows can't be expected to know anything about assuming leadership without the overdeveloped sense of entitlement and privilege that only an American prep school education can provide."

Neither McClellan or anyone associated with Andover would answer reporters' questions about why no literature or information about the program existed before last Friday, and why the parents of some of the Andover students involved didn't seem to know about it at all. McClellan responded sharply, "These are fine, brave Americans sacrificing a crucial part of a summer vacation of their young lives on behalf of their country. I think we owe them a debt of gratitude, not insults and insinuations of political skullduggery."

Fox News devoted 48 hours of non-stop coverage and commentary to the Handover/Andover contretemps, blasting other media outlets as having once and for all exposed their treasonous liberal bias and bilious hatred of America. A spokesman for Rush Limbaugh said the radio host was withholding comment until he could figure out how it was Hillary Clinton's fault.

Tuesday, May 18, 2004

The Cat in the What? 

BERKELEY, California (Ant Farmer's Almanac Newswire) A new animal rights group calling itself Animal Activists Resisting Ridiculous Fiction (AARRF) seeks to refute ". . . Inaccurate, false, misleading and harmful misrepresentations of non-human beings whether they reside in the barnyard or the back yard", according to a "manifesto" issued today announcing the group's existence and aims.

Taking its cue from the religious groups that banded together to rebut faith-shaking allegations in the bestselling book "The Da Vinci Code", AARRF is a loose coalition of several dozen animal rights organizations that seeks to rectify ". . .the incalculable damage done by centuries of anthropomorphizing creatures who do not and cannot talk, walk upright; wear pants, hats, glasses or shoes; surf, play poker, pool or the banjo; or drive a car, much less operate elaborate propulsive and explosive devices allowing them to catch up to and entrap other, faster animals; and, except for certain chimpanzees, smoke cigars and rollerskate".

Reached for comment by phone, Ms. Anne Thorpe, "spokesbeing" for AARRF, elaborated on the group's purpose, stating that, "Clearly, depictions of animals engaging in humanlike behavior, from Aesop to Disney, however amusing and benignly-intentioned, only encourages people to treat animals the way they treat humans and, let's face it, people treat humans like shit. Animals deserve better than that."

"Besides," added Ms. Thorpe, "As anyone who's ever cohabited with a feline companion animal can tell you" she sighed, "No cat has ever willingly worn a hat."

Monday, May 17, 2004

Recommended Reading: 

Less Miserable: Uplifting Life Lessons from Great Literature

Dogs are from Pluto, Cats are from, I Dunno, Someplace Else

Thinking Outside the Litter Box: An MBA's Guide to Cat Behavior

Thursday, May 13, 2004

New Cereals from Post! 

Number Crunchies
Good nutrition is as easy as 1-2-3 with Post's new Number Crunchies breakfast cereal. Riboflavin and 'rithmatic add up to a delicious morning meal or snack anytime! Whether your child is a budding CPA or rides the short bus to school, the digits 0 through 9 never tasted so good!

Frosted Binary Bits
Sugar-coated zeros and ones are the building blocks for a delicious, nutritious breakfast! Who needs 2 through 9 when the basics for binary code taste this great?

Zodiac Flakes
Your forecast? A delicious breakfast! Each sign of the zodiac is depicted in roasted oats in this star-studded new taste treat! Fire, Water, Earth or Air, they all stay crisp in milk!

Wednesday, May 12, 2004

UFO Sighting by Mexican Air Force Proves Existence of Mexican Air Force 

Mexican Air Force pilots film UFO.

Tuesday, May 11, 2004

Kerry Threw His Medals "Like a Girl" 

WASHINGTON, DC (Ant Farmer's Almanac Newswire) For weeks now, rumors have swirled around the capital about an FBI film showing John Kerry tossing his medals over the fence of the Capital Building at an antiwar demonstration in 1971, and that this film clearly shows that Kerry "Throws like a girl".

The film has become something of an urban legend and may or may not even exist. The story has it that an undercover FBI agent shot clandestine footage of the demonstration in case any illegal activity took place and law enforcement needed evidence for prosecution.

None of the dozen-or-so Beltway insiders interviewed had actually seen it themselves, but all of them knew somebody that had and who had told them about it. In some retellings it was medals thrown and in others ribbons, but all accounts emphasize the limp-wristed, sissy style lob by Kerry.

Democratic Party activists point to the Bush-Cheney 2004 re-election staff as the source for these rumors, and accuse them of perpetrating a cheap campaign smear. A spokesman for the Bush campaign denied the accusations, saying, "We can do a perfectly good job of character assasination on our own. We don't need any help from the FBI," adding, "Especially not with some out-of-focus, silent, badly lit, grainy black & white 8mm film from 30 years ago."

Asked how it was he knew that the film was 8mm, black & white, grainy, badly lit, silent and out of focus, the spokesman suddenly heard a phone ringing in another room and had to leave.

When asked about the film and the furor surrounding it, White House Press Secretary Scott McClellan stated that he could "Neither confirm nor deny that such a film exists or whether I've seen it personally," adding with a barely suppressed chuckle, "But if you've ever watched 12-year-old girls play slow pitch softball, it's kinda like that."

Monday, May 10, 2004

Pitch to Me, Baby, Pitch to Me! 

It's "Fear Factor" meets "Survivor" meets "Punk'd"

After being drugged and hypnotized, celebrity contestants find themselves in a working factory where, rather than being feted and fawned over, and, despite their increasingly shrill protests ("I never do my own stunts. It's in my contract! Get my agent on the phone!), are expected to run a drill press, a lathe or to stamp out sheet metal. As sparks fly — literally and figuratively — and supervisors berate them for slacking, contestants try to keep their cool in the midst of a nightmarish combination of their worst fears regarding anonymity and actual work. Winners get to leave at the lunch break; losers have to finish out their shift, and, in so doing, face the horrifying reality that there's no half-caf mocha latte in the break room.

Friday, May 07, 2004

In Other News: Sobriety Bad for Liquor Industry; Non-Smokers Pose Threat to Tobacco Profits; and 9 Out of 10 People Prefer Being Alive to Being Dead 

Krispy Kreme: Diets hurt doughnut sales

Wednesday, May 05, 2004

Every Time the Boyfriend Tells Police What Happened, the Fish Gets Bigger 

A woman was arrested for assaulting her live-in boyfriend with a mounted fish with a "pointy nose".

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