Wednesday, June 30, 2004

Recommended Beach Reading for '04 

The Idiot's Guide to Delight

Crash Tests for Dummies

The Idiot's Guide to Dostoefsky's The Idiot

Friday, June 25, 2004

By Any Other Name 

HOLLYWOOD, CA (Ant Farmer's Almanac Newswire) In a move that has sent shockwaves through the world of musical dinner theater, singer Robert Goulet announced that he has taken a Hebrew name and now wishes to be known as "Shlomo."

"I've heard a lot about the Kabbalah," said the veteran crooner, speaking from his dressing room in the Tri-County Arts Pavilion and Civic Center in Sapulpa, Oklahoma, as he prepared for his 347,659th performance in Lerner and Loewe's Camelot. "I'm a happening kind of cat," Goulet continued with a straight face, "And if what it takes to make it in show biz these days is to go by a single name inspired by an aspect of Jewish mysticism that consists of a large body of meditative, devotional and magical practices and speculation on the nature of divinity, the creation, the origin and fate of the soul, then I'm there, baby. Besides, some of my best friends are . . ." Goulet was interrupted at this point and summoned to the stage for his opening number.

Later, in the theater's lobby, Goulet's manager, J.P. Manley, spoke with reporters. "No, Bob's not 'on something', as has been suggested," said Manley over the strains of "If Ever I Should Leave You" coming from just a few yards away, "He did start taking a new allergy medication recently, but I don't think that's got anything to do with it, so please, let's not start any rumors about a beloved-but-fading matinee idol's heart-rending fight back from addiction that gets his name all over the tabloids and maybe even picked up by some legitimate papers and Entertainment Tonight and sparks some interest in his career."

Asked if Mr. Goulet's move was prompted by Madonna's recent adoption of the Hebrew name "Esther", Manley replied, "A lot of your A-list gentile celebrities have been taking traditionally Jewish names. Last I heard, Donny Osmond and Tony Orlando were in a nasty court fight over the rights to use the name "Shecky."

In response to a reporter's bluntly stated theory that this was just a publicity stunt to help land his client the part of Tevye in a production of "Fiddler on the Roof" scheduled to tour Florida for the next two years, Manley responded curtly, "Hey, he's trying to stay alive in a very competitive business and doing everything he can to keep himself out of Branson, Missouri and I support him in that. He's a real trouper, and if anybody deserves a couple of winters in a nice warm place, it's Bob."

As the curtain call applause dwindled and the audience headed for the exits, Manley wrapped up the press conference, saying, "Look, the show's over and Bob's gonna really need his "Claritin" right about now."

Tuesday, June 22, 2004

49 and Counting 

WASHINGTON, DC (Ant Farmer's Almanac Newswire) A radical new wing of the American Association of Retired Persons (AARP) calling itself "The 49ers" is lobbying to require the installation of a "G (Geezer) Chip" on all television sets made after 2006 that would allow viewers 50 or older to block advertisements and programming aimed exclusively at the 18-to-49-year-old demographic.

"They don't want our business? We don't want their ads", said J.P. Manley, spokesman for the organization, adding, "Hey, we're Baby Boomers, dammit. We invented perpetual adolescence as a lifestyle choice and targeted market segment, and we've been dutifully buying whatever was dangled in front of us from hoola hoops to SUVs. We will not be ignored. Or, if you are going to ignore us, at least we're not gonna let you rub our noses in it."

The group intends to launch a massive publicity campaign, dubbed "49 and Counting", with print ads scheduled to run in "Modern Maturity", "Senior Living" and "Rolling Stone" magazines, and has established offices near Capital Hill from which to pester congress.

Reached for comment about the 49ers and their chances for success, a spokesman for the Ad Council of America said, "I'm a Giants fan, myself; Go Gang Green!" When asked about the Geezer Chip, the spokesman replied, "That new Frito-Lay thing? I like the name but I don't know how they'll sell it to 18 to 49 year olds."

Tuesday, June 15, 2004

Random Thought #63 

I came across the phrase "Hired Goons" recently and wondered, were there ever "Volunteer Goons"? And, when you do need to hire some goons, where do you find them? Do you place an ad in the New York Times? Monster.com? Craigslist?

Friday, June 11, 2004

New Maladies for 2004! 

Look for these conditions soon

Adult Onset Selective Situational Tourette's Syndrome® (AOSSTS).
Cause: Someone pisses you off.
Symptom: You hurl obscenities at them.

Pet Induced Stress Disorder® (PISD).
Cause: Having a pet.
Symptom: You have to ask, you don't have a dog.

Monday, June 07, 2004

Heaven Help Us 

Christians Are Flooding Stores With Books Preaching Bible-Inspired Dieting

The Reverend George Malkmus's book, "The Hallelujah Diet," is drawn from Genesis, "What Would Jesus Eat?" by Dr. Don Colbert and "The Weigh Down Diet" by Gwen Shamblin have created eating plans based on scripture and Jordan S. Rubin's "The Maker's Diet." is based on the book of Leviticus.
— from ABCNews.com

New Releases:

The Pontius Pilates Workout
Whether fleeing Pharoh's army, sprinting across the muddy bottom of the parted Red Sea or dodging Roman soldiers, Biblical figures stayed in shape while doing God's bidding. And so can you with this inspirational workout book (also available on CD and DVD).

Render Unto Caesar
Learn how to pay only as much tax as you owe and NOT A PENNY MORE! The Christian way. You heard us, financial advice from the NEW TESTAMENT! Includes estate planning and tips on how to avoid probate.

The Bible: Books on Tape
Mel Gibson reads the Good Book, cover to cover, entirely in the original Aramaic. Sound effects by George Lucas' THX and musical accompaniment by Creed, Amy Grant, Sting, various artists.

Friday, June 04, 2004

Missing Inaction 

Eager to duplicate the runaway success of the "Law & Order" spinoffs, producers of CBS' not-entirely-unpopular "Without A Trace" today unveiled the first three of their proposed franchise shows.

Without A Clue
A trio of the dimmest people you ever saw in your life struggle to figure something out in the space of an hour. Will they? Won't they? The suspense'll kill ya!

Without An Umbrella
They didn't take one with them, and now they walk the city streets unaware of the growing water droplets that are quickly becoming too heavy to remain in the clouds and will plummet toward the earth's surface. You know what happens next. Where will they be when it does? Wasn't one of them wearing suede?

Without A Sweater
It looks like it's going to get cooler. Fools! If only they'd listened.

Wednesday, June 02, 2004

If You Play it Backwards, You Can Hear God Muttering, "Insert Flap A Into Slot B — Oh, Crap, This Thing Needs Batteries?!" 

Astronomers have created a sound clip of the noise the expanding universe was making in the first million years after the Big Bang.

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