Thursday, October 14, 2004

From Russia With . . . Well, From Russia 

Slogans for Kalishnakov Vodka, the new product from the inventor of the AK-47:

Rapid-Fire Refreshment!
Ricochets with Taste!
Take Aim at Flavor!
Its Aim is True! (the inevitable lawsuit from by Elvis Costello will be invaluable for the free publicity)
It Takes a Tough Man to Make a Tender Vodka
Lock and Load!
Bad to the Bone!
Absolut is for Sissies
Blows Away the Others

Plays Well With Others' 

Mixing Up Some Classics
(Or Shakespeare Rattle and Roll)

Little Richard III
by William Shakespeare & Richard Penniman (aka Little Richard)


Villain, thou know'st no law of God nor man:
No beast so fierce but knows some touch of pity.

Little Richard III
Bama lama, bama loo, bama lama, bama loo,
Bama lama, bama loo, bama lama, bama loo,
Now I dig her style, she's like a drive me wild with
Bama lama, bama loo.

O wonderful, when devils tell the truth!

Little Richard III
Tutti frutti, oh rutti,
Tutti frutti, oh rutti,
Wop bop a loo bop a lop bam boom!

Fouler than heart can think thee, thou canst make
No excuse current, but to hang thyself.

Little Richard III
I asked my baby for kiss, she shook her head like this,
I asked my little girl for kiss, she shook her head around like this,

I hope so.

Little Richard III
She rocks to the East, she rocks to the West,
She is the gal that I love best,

Would it were mortal poison, for thy sake!

Little Richard III
If I can't find my baby, then you know darn well,
I'm gonna ring your door till I break your bell.

'Tis more than you deserve;
But since you teach me how to flatter you,
Imagine I have said farewell already.

Little Richard III
When you're rockin' and a rollin', can't hear your mama call.


Wednesday, October 13, 2004

In All the Baby Pictures, She's Pointing and Laughing at the Kid's Genitals 

Lindsay England, soldier in Iraqi prisoner abuse scandal gives birth to a son.

Tuesday, October 12, 2004

Top 10 Things Transmitted to President Bush During the Second Debate 

(with entirely insincere apologies to David Letterman)

(1) The Game
(2) Theme from Rocky
(3) The O'Franken Factor
(4) "Tea for the Tillerman"
(5) Audio Version of Saddam Hussein's Latest Romance Novel (Narrated by James Earl Jones)
(6) Dunno, but it sure is catchy
(7) Dick Cheney's Feral Noises from Backstage
(8) Brian Wilson's "Smile"
(9) Dr. Laura's Call Screener's "Hold" Music
(10) Static

Monday, October 11, 2004

The In-Box 

Dear Ant Farmer's Almanac,
Since you don't have an email address, how is it you have letters from readers? I don't understand.

Dear Puzzled,
Good point. But, answer us this: how is it we have a letter from you?

Dear Ant Farmer's Almanac,
In the face of a likely BuschCo. recoronation, I admire your willingness to risk IRS audits and God-knows what other retribution from this vengeful administration. Hat's off to your damn-the-torpedos bravado!
—Admiring from a safe distance

Dear Safe Distance,
We have never once sworn at torpedos. IRS?

Dear Ant Farmer's Almanac,
How can I add zest to my tuna salad?

Dear Zestless,
Try adding dill, mix some spicey mustard with the mayo and use India relish instead of sweet relish.

Dear Ant Farmer's Almanac,
Does club soda really get food stains out of fabrics?

Dear Soiled,

Dear Ant Farmer's Almanac,
Is this a reader letters entry in a blog dedicated to humorous, savvy social and politcal satiric writing or a column dispensing helpful tips about recipes and housekeeping? ps: who's this "Ed" guy?
—Different Puzzled

Dear Different Puzzled,
In answer to your first question: Maybe. As for your second point, we're not sure who "Ed" is, either. We were gone for a while and when we got back, he was just kind of here, and, since he'd watered the plants and kept the place so tidy, we couldn't just ask him to leave.

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