Monday, November 08, 2004

Barn Jacket Manufacturers Sue Kerry 

Plummeting Sales Spark Lawsuit

FREEPORT, MAINE (Ant Farmer's Almanac Newswire) Several manufacturers of barn jackets like the one John Kerry wore during his 2004 presidential bid have brought a class-action lawsuit against the former candidate.

In the wake of Kerry's defeat, traditional rivals LL Bean, Land's End and Carhart have joined forces to seek $48 million in compensation for the projected loss in sales of the distinctive outerwear, known as either a "barn jacket" or "field coat" that, until now, has been a perennial favorite, with its 100% cotton canvas shell, corduroy or soft leather collar, button-out liner, flap pocket, adjustable cuffs and roomy bi-swing back. Available in six designer colors.

"We had huge hopes for this jacket based on the exit polls," said one company's marketing rep, "We saw it as the next big presidential tie-in, like Reagan's jellybeans, Billy Beer or Kennedy's womanizing; now it's about as appealing as Nixon's five o'clock shadow."

Each company had ramped up production of its jacket in misguided anticipation of a Kerry win and are now stuck with warehouse-fulls of unwanted inventory. "This item is now associated with a loser and nobody wants it," said Carhart's marketing chief. LL Bean is believed to be test-marketing their surplus as the "Blue State Special".

Cabela's, another maker of rugged outdoor gear (but not involved with the lawsuit), has gone into round-the-clock production of a civilian version of the flight suit George W. Bush wore during his "Mission Accomplished" aircraft carrier landing, prompted by a Robert Novak column reporting that W will wear the flight suit again at his second inauguration.

In a related story, a group calling itself "Boardsailors for Truth" claim John Kerry never went sailboarding and that footage of him doing so was digitally altered, "That stuff's so easy to do," said a group spokesman, "Just like with that picture we faked of him with Jane Fonda. . . I mean, uh, surf's up. I gotta go, um, dude!"

Monday, November 01, 2004

Eleventh-Hour Surge in Mudslinging 

It's 527. Do You Know Where Your Campaign Is?

WASHINGTON, DC (Ant Farmer's Almanac Newswire) On Saturday, Vice President Cheney told an assembled crowd that, if elected, John Kerry would "Return the Louisiana Purchase to France," adding, "But no Texan will have to trade in his Stetson for a beret; not on my watch, not without a fight!" When pressed for the source of this extraordinary claim, Cheney's staffers hastily presented as evidence xerox copies of numerous Kerry speeches in which the words "France", "Louisiana", "Return", and "Purchase" were highlighted with yellow magic marker. Although the four words were never used together in the same speech and are scattered throughout four separate documents, Cheney's spokesman stood firm stating flatly, that, "It's right here in black and white! In his own words! What more proof do you people need, anyway?"

Elsewhere, the pro-Bush 527 group "Veterinarians for Truth" resurfaced. Formed last summer to refute claims that John Kerry had acted heroically in saving the life of his daughters' hamster, their new ad charges that on several occasions Kerry had surreptitiously replaced a dead pet goldfish with a lookalike, hoping that his children wouldn't notice the difference. The ad goes on to imply that Kerry was responsible for the fishes' deaths because he "flip-flopped about how often to change the aquarium water."

In belated response to the growing controversy about the bulge in the back of President Bush's jacket during the debate, White House spokesman Andrew Card blamed acid reflux, saying that not only was it the cause of Bush's poor performance that night but a box of Prevacid misplaced by a junior campaign aide had created the mysterious bulge.

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