Wednesday, March 24, 2004

Happy Hour on Hold 

SALEM, OR (Ant Farmers Almanac Newswire) — Inspired by Benton County's halting all marriages, gay or straight, until the state of Oregon decides who can and can't marry, the state's Liquor Control Commission has ordered the immediate end of "Happy Hour" until someone defines exactly what "happiness" is.

"We see the wisdom of what the authorities in Benton County have done," said Joseph P. Manley, the liquor commission's associate director, "And we believe that this same approach can be applied to other perplexing questions. I mean, really, what is happiness, anyway?" asked Manley in a plaintive voice. "Things that make some people happy don't make other people happy," he continued, "Lots of stuff I like to do — stuff that makes me very happy — doesn't make my wife happy at all, and then stuff that she loves to do I just can't stand. It's so confusing," said Manley, shaking his head forlornly, "Why can't anyone just tell us once and for all?"

In addition to its own investigation into the nature of what constitutes happiness, the Liquor Commission has recommended that the department of weights and measures look into why the "Hour" designated for happiness is 5 p.m. to 8 p.m. in some bars, 3 p.m. to 7 p.m. in others but 4 p.m. to 6:45 p.m. at this one place in Portland.

Tuesday, March 23, 2004

Shake, Rattle and Roll Your 'R's 

Author traces Elvis Presley's ancestors to Scottish village of Lonmay.

Thursday, March 18, 2004

Remembering the Maine Chance 

From: The Office of Representative Walter Jones, R-North Carolina

To: Bob Ney, R-Ohio, Chairman of the Committee on House Administration

CC: Speaker of the House, Dennis Hastert, R, Illinois; Majority Leader,Tom DeLay, R-Texas; Majority Whip, Roy Blunt, R-Missouri

BCC: White House Office of Political Strategy, Karl Rove

RE: Retribution for Spain's recent treachery


As per our conversation this morning, I'm forwarding suggestions for the renaming ("rebranding" as one of my interns put it) of any and all items with the word "Spanish" in them for inclusion in whatever legislation we cook up in retaliation for Spain's withdrawal from the coalition. This won't be a cakewalk like with the French. Spaniards aren't so snotty or insufferable as the French (who could be?), and it'd be hard to top the success of your "Freedom Fries" for verbal snap, but, hey, we can't look this gift caballo in the mouth (ha, ha). I'm told that there is some historical precedent for Spain stabbing America in the back. I'll look into it and let you know if we can use it somehow.

It's been over a year now (time sure flies, doesn't it?) since we stuck it to the French, and Americans need a fresh reminder that Europe (except England, which isn't really even in Europe if you look at a map, for chrissakes) isn't to be trusted or even, whenever possible, referred to by name. There isn't a damn thing from Spain that we can't make or do 1000% better right here in the U.S of A. Don't get me wrong, I like sangria and tacos as much as the next guy, but we've got to draw a line in the sand. Again.

I agree, too, that we need to cast our net wider and not restrict ourselves to just renaming things from the menu in the House of Representatives cafeteria like last time. Let's think big, Bob!

Anyway, we tossed around several possible replacement words for "Spanish", including "Loyalty", "Coalition" and "Patriot" but "Steadfast" was our choice for, my staff tells me, it's subtlety, irony and alliteration.

Here's a few to start the ball rolling:

Steadfast Omelette
Steadfast Influenza
Steadfast Moss
Steadfast Fly
Lady of Steadfastness
(the) Steadfast Inquistion
(the) Steadfast Civil War
(the) Steadfast-American War
(the) Steadfast Armada
(the) Steadfast Prisoner (I admit that I don't get this last one, myself, but my staffers assure me it's essential)

In addition to the items above, "tapas" will be renamed "hors d'ouevres, and the insult "Spic" will become "Stead" or maybe "Steader". I would have liked to have a few more, but when I asked my staff why the list was so short, they all got real quiet. I guess they were just tuckered out from all that reading. I know I would be.

Let me know what you think. I'd like to have this ready to go early next week if possible. We gotta strike while this iron is still hot, hot, hot!

Regards, Walt

ps: I know I should cc the Dems about this, but really, would you want to miss the looks on their faces when we introduce this on the House floor? Me, neither.

Tuesday, March 16, 2004

The Passion of the Crustacean 

Just Resurrect and Serve!

A Massachusetts company says its freezing technique allows some lobsters to come back to life when thawed.

Wednesday, March 10, 2004

¡Oh, la Humanidad! 

It's the return of Menudo! '80s Latin boy band holding auditions.

Tuesday, March 09, 2004

Re-Branding R Us 

New Names for (Soon-to-be-Formerly) Martha Stewart's Publications

Big House, Inc.

Unindicted Underlings

Martha Stewart's Appealing

We Never Liked Her

The Williams-Sonoma Catalog

Dennis Kucinich's Living

Tastefulness Up the Wazoo

Stylish Living Without that Diva Bitch Lording it Over You

Martha Who?


Wednesday, March 03, 2004

NASA Finds Bottled Water on Mars 

WASHINGTON, DC (Ant Farmer's Almanac Newswire) — Just hours after the stunning announcement of its discovery of water on Mars, NASA issued a statement saying that further evidence indicates that it was almost certainly bottled water.

"We're still processing information coming in from the Mars rover, so we don't have all the answers," said Dr. Joseph P. Manley, during a phone interview from his offices at the Jet Propulsion Laboratory in Pasadena and amid boisterous celebrations, "For instance, we don't yet know whether the water was sparkling or just regular."

Asked to address speculation by scientists from outside NASA that this new "evidence" is just "space litter", perhaps a drink cannister discarded from the Russian Soyez space station or an early U.S. shuttle mission, Dr. Manley's reply could not be heard over the background noise, which included the sound of popping champagne corks, noisemakers, slurping sounds and chants of "Chug! Chug! Chug!" and "Man-LEE! Man-LEE! Man-LEE!".

After a resounding belch, Dr. Manley continued, "At the very least, we know there was enough water on Mars to support life as we know it, which, of course also means that in all likelihood, Martians hosted wet t-shirt contests and, uh, mud wrestling."

When queried about earlier reports that the rover had found indications of vast enough amounts of water to have once covered the entire Martian surface, Manley paused and responded, "Whoa! That much water would be, like, an ocean. And if there were oceans, then there would be sharks. . . Martian sharks! Sharks with ray guns and spaceships!", Manley hesitated, then went on, "Space sharks. . . nothing we've got can defeat them! We're doomed! Doomed, I tell you! Run for your lives! AAAAAAAAHHHHHH!"

Another JPL scientist, Dr. James "Jim-Bob" Reyman, picked up the dropped phone to continue the interview, "Yes, what we've seen today confirms that there was water and, therefore, life, on Mars," concluded Dr. Reyman, who would not, however, confirm or deny that the bottled water found was really just tap water run through a filter and cleverly marketed, saying only that "Since it was bottled water, whatever life there was on Mars, while clearly intelligent, was also very gullible."

Tuesday, March 02, 2004


Gay Divorce Lawyers Needed

Est SF law firm seeks attys for forthcoming wave of gay divorces. Growth oppty. Big time. Successful candidate will have exp with divorce, comm prpty, state v city law. Palimony litigation, arbitration, contract law exp helpful. Grt oppty for aggressive go-getter with eye for high-profile, precedent-setting case law. Political aspirants OK. Conv location w/Bay view, grt benefits pkg, 401k, free prkg. Salary commensurate with exp; plus % of settlements. Fast-track to partner. Also need staff for franchise offices in Boston, MA and New Paltz, NY. Fax resume to Howe, Dewey, Duitt & Partners (415) 555-5555.

Monday, March 01, 2004

Hard Act to Follow 

Novelization, Spinoffs Planned for Gibson's "Passion"

HOLLYWOOD California (Ant Farmer's Almanac Newswire) — Stephen King, Thomas Harris and Anne Rice are under consideration for the job of penning the novelization of Mel Gibson's hit movie "The Passion of the Christ."

Gibson's production company, Newmarket Films, has asked the three world-famous authors, each renowned for their vivid descriptions of bloodletting, gore, violence and the brutal torture of both body and soul, to submit a sample chapter and an outline for the book.

"With a celebrity name like Mel Gibson's attached to it, we expect this book to do quite well," said a spokesman for Newmarket, "It's a great story. It's got everything: action, suspense, suffering, betrayal, bad guys, good guys, one very good guy and an inspiring, uplifting ending. Real mass appeal stuff," he enthused, "This could be the Bible of novelizations. We're talking worldwide bestseller, here."

Newmarket also announced today its deal with HBO to produce a mini-series spinoff of "The Passion" that will chronicle the post-Christ lives — but especially the gruesome, martyred deaths — of the apostles. Tentatively titled "A.D. The Lives of the Saints", the series will focus on one apostle per episode with each installment filmed by a different director. Quentin Tarentino, John Carpenter, Wes Craven and Brian De Palma are said to have signed on to the project.

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