ant farmer's almanac

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Hi, come on in. Can I take your coat? No? Okay.

Welcome to the Best of What's Left of the (old) Ant Farmer's Almanac blog, now preserved as a repository of hilarity from the keyboard of L.K. Peterson.

Thanks to a grant from the resolutely not-for-profit Ant Farmer's Almanac Historic Society this valuable time capsule of humor is available for future generations to enjoy. Or whatever.

In case you landed here by "accident," you'll want to get over to the new site at antfarmersalmanac.com which now features all kinds of cool graphics and pictures and stuff, along with more regularly updated material (you know you want it) and did I mention pictures? Yeah, I did.

Y'all come back now, y'hear!

"One Quarter-Hour Just Wasn't Enough," Says Deposed Quiz Show Champ

HOLLYWOOD, CA (Ant Farmer's Almanac Newswire) Now that his historic winning streak on the popular game show "Jeopardy" is over, Ken Jennings has announced that he will use a portion of his $2,520,700 prize money to buy himself an additional 15 minutes of fame.

"I'd thought that the money and the attention would be satisfying enough," said the formerly mild-mannered know-it-all, "But I want more, more I tell you; and now I can afford it," adding "Mwahahahahahaha!"

Asked what he plans to do with 15 more minutes in the limelight, Jennings quickly replied, "What is nailing both Hilton sisters and plunging headlong into a years-long orgy of public debauchery and wanton self-indulgence, followed by arrest, rehab and a regular spot on "Hollywood Squares"?"

Plummeting Sales Spark Lawsuit

FREEPORT, MAINE (Ant Farmer's Almanac Newswire) Several manufacturers of barn jackets like the one John Kerry wore during his 2004 presidential bid have brought a class-action lawsuit against the former candidate.

In the wake of Kerry's defeat, traditional rivals LL Bean, Land's End and Carhart have joined forces to seek $48 million in compensation for the projected loss in sales of the distinctive outerwear, known as either a "barn jacket" or "field coat" that, until now, has been a perennial favorite, with its 100% cotton canvas shell, corduroy or soft leather collar, button-out liner, flap pocket, adjustable cuffs and roomy bi-swing back. Available in six designer colors.

"We had huge hopes for this jacket based on the exit polls," said one company's marketing rep, "We saw it as the next big presidential tie-in, like Reagan's jellybeans, Billy Beer or Kennedy's womanizing; now it's about as appealing as Nixon's five o'clock shadow."

Each company had ramped up production of its jacket in misguided anticipation of a Kerry win and are now stuck with warehouse-fulls of unwanted inventory. "This item is now associated with a loser and nobody wants it," said Carhart's marketing chief. LL Bean is believed to be test-marketing their surplus as the "Blue State Special".

Cabela's, another maker of rugged outdoor gear (but not involved with the lawsuit), has gone into round-the-clock production of a civilian version of the flight suit George W. Bush wore during his "Mission Accomplished" aircraft carrier landing, prompted by a Robert Novak column reporting that W will wear the flight suit again at his second inauguration.

In a related story, a group calling itself "Boardsailors for Truth" claim John Kerry never went sailboarding and that footage of him doing so was digitally altered, "That stuff's so easy to do," said a group spokesman, "Just like with that picture we faked of him with Jane Fonda. . . I mean, uh, surf's up. I gotta go, um, dude!"

It's 527. Do You Know Where Your Campaign Is?

WASHINGTON, DC (Ant Farmer's Almanac Newswire) On Saturday, Vice President Cheney told an assembled crowd that, if elected, John Kerry would "Return the Louisiana Purchase to France," adding, "But no Texan will have to trade in his Stetson for a beret; not on my watch, not without a fight!" When pressed for the source of this extraordinary claim, Cheney's staffers hastily presented as evidence xerox copies of numerous Kerry speeches in which the words "France", "Louisiana", "Return", and "Purchase" were highlighted with yellow magic marker. Although the four words were never used together in the same speech and are scattered throughout four separate documents, Cheney's spokesman stood firm stating flatly, that, "It's right here in black and white! In his own words! What more proof do you people need, anyway?"

Elsewhere, the pro-Bush 527 group "Veterinarians for Truth" resurfaced. Formed last summer to refute claims that John Kerry had acted heroically in saving the life of his daughters' hamster, their new ad charges that on several occasions Kerry had surreptitiously replaced a dead pet goldfish with a lookalike, hoping that his children wouldn't notice the difference. The ad goes on to imply that Kerry was responsible for the fishes' deaths because he "flip-flopped about how often to change the aquarium water."

In belated response to the growing controversy about the bulge in the back of President Bush's jacket during the debate, White House spokesman Andrew Card blamed acid reflux, saying that not only was it the cause of Bush's poor performance that night but a box of Prevacid misplaced by a junior campaign aide had created the mysterious bulge.

Slogans for Kalishnakov Vodka, the new product from the inventor of the AK-47:

Rapid-Fire Refreshment!
Ricochets with Taste!
Take Aim at Flavor!
Its Aim is True! (the inevitable lawsuit from by Elvis Costello will be invaluable for the free publicity)
It Takes a Tough Man to Make a Tender Vodka
Lock and Load!
Bad to the Bone!
Absolut is for Sissies
Blows Away the Others
Duck!

Mixing Up Some Classics
(Or Shakespeare Rattle and Roll)

Little Richard III
by William Shakespeare & Richard Penniman (aka Little Richard)

Act One: SCENE II

LADY ANNE
Villain, thou know'st no law of God nor man:
No beast so fierce but knows some touch of pity.

Little Richard III
Bama lama, bama loo, bama lama, bama loo,
Bama lama, bama loo, bama lama, bama loo,
Now I dig her style, she's like a drive me wild with
Bama lama, bama loo.

LADY ANNE
O wonderful, when devils tell the truth!

Little Richard III
Tutti frutti, oh rutti,
Tutti frutti, oh rutti,
Wop bop a loo bop a lop bam boom!

LADY ANNE
Fouler than heart can think thee, thou canst make
No excuse current, but to hang thyself.

Little Richard III
I asked my baby for kiss, she shook her head like this,
I asked my little girl for kiss, she shook her head around like this,

LADY ANNE
I hope so.

Little Richard III
She rocks to the East, she rocks to the West,
She is the gal that I love best,

LADY ANNE
Would it were mortal poison, for thy sake!

Little Richard III
If I can't find my baby, then you know darn well,
I'm gonna ring your door till I break your bell.

LADY ANNE
'Tis more than you deserve;
But since you teach me how to flatter you,
Imagine I have said farewell already.

Little Richard III
When you're rockin' and a rollin', can't hear your mama call.

Exeunt

Lindsay England, soldier in Iraqi prisoner abuse scandal gives birth to a son.

(with entirely insincere apologies to David Letterman)

(1) The Game
(2) Theme from Rocky
(3) The O'Franken Factor
(4) "Tea for the Tillerman"
(5) Audio Version of Saddam Hussein's Latest Romance Novel (Narrated by James Earl Jones)
(6) Dunno, but it sure is catchy
(7) Dick Cheney's Feral Noises from Backstage
(8) Brian Wilson's "Smile"
(9) Dr. Laura's Call Screener's "Hold" Music
(10) Static

Dear Ant Farmer's Almanac,
Since you don't have an email address, how is it you have letters from readers? I don't understand.
—Puzzled

Dear Puzzled,
Good point. But, answer us this: how is it we have a letter from you?
—Ed.

Dear Ant Farmer's Almanac,
In the face of a likely BuschCo. recoronation, I admire your willingness to risk IRS audits and God-knows what other retribution from this vengeful administration. Hat's off to your damn-the-torpedos bravado!
—Admiring from a safe distance

Dear Safe Distance,
We have never once sworn at torpedos. IRS?
—Ed.

Dear Ant Farmer's Almanac,
How can I add zest to my tuna salad?
—Zestless

Dear Zestless,
Try adding dill, mix some spicey mustard with the mayo and use India relish instead of sweet relish.
—Ed.

Dear Ant Farmer's Almanac,
Does club soda really get food stains out of fabrics?
—Soiled

Dear Soiled,
Yes.
—Ed.

Dear Ant Farmer's Almanac,
Is this a reader letters entry in a blog dedicated to humorous, savvy social and politcal satiric writing or a column dispensing helpful tips about recipes and housekeeping? ps: who's this "Ed" guy?
—Different Puzzled

Dear Different Puzzled,
In answer to your first question: Maybe. As for your second point, we're not sure who "Ed" is, either. We were gone for a while and when we got back, he was just kind of here, and, since he'd watered the plants and kept the place so tidy, we couldn't just ask him to leave.
—Ed.

Fred Ebb, lyricist of the Broadway musical songwriting team of Kander and Ebb, died this week at the age of 76.

1: She was still alive?

2: 78? I thought she was like 90.

3: She lived in Phoenix?

4: Hmmm. . .

5: Well, whaddaya know?

"That was just way too trippy", says Olympic Committee spokesman.

ATHENS, Greece (Ant Farmer's Almanac Newswire) Even before the athletic competitions had begun at the 2004 Olympic Games in Athens, the International Olympic Committee (IOC) announced that it would conduct drug tests on everyone associated with the Games' Opening Ceremonies.

"They were just really weird," said IOC spokesman Robert Leroy Parker, "It looked like Burning Man or some Radiohead music video." Parker shook his head sadly, "I mean, a parade of painted people dressed like I don't know what, a pregnant woman with a glowing womb, that blue, winged guy hovering over the whole thing, more wardrobe malfunctions than you could shake a stick at. . . . There's just no way that performance wasn't enhanced with substances. They even messed up the alphabetical order of the countries' names! How high do you have to be to do that?

The creator of the Ceremonies' surrealistic extravaganza was reached for comment at a 24-hour Denny's restaurant in Athens, Georgia where he was eating breakfast at 2:30 a.m. When asked why he was in Athens, Georgia, when the Olympics were taking place in Athens, Greece, he got real quiet, looked around, wide-eyed and slack-jawed, then confessed to having "Serious munchies, dude."

"They get the gold in bizarre, that's for sure," sighed a dismayed Parker, "It was all Greek to me."

New Book Reveals Secret of Last Supper Sneeze

NEW YORK (Ant Farmer's Almanac Newswire) A stunning new art historical thriller, entitled The Da Vinci Cold, claims that the decay of Leonardo Da Vinci's classic fresco "The Last Supper" was caused by the artist's own germs when he sneezed all over the still damp pigment.

Forensic art historians have spent years studying the patterns of deterioration of the famous picture — painted in tempra directly onto the plaster wall of the Convent of Santa Maria delle Grazie, Milan, in 1498 — and have determined that only someone of exactly Da Vinci's height and standing within arm's length of the wall at a crucial early phase of the work could have created the arcing spray pattern of what is now nearly 500 years' worth of disintegration of the colors and imagery on this icon of Renaissance art.

Scholars have argued for centuries about whether an apprentice to Da Vinci or perhaps the convent's Mother Superior had been the one with the head cold and that the Catholic Church was covering up this fact. Scholars, apparently, have lots of time on their hands. That the church refused to comment about the source of the sneeze — or even confirm there had been a sneeze at all — has only fed curiosity and fueled speculation.

The book's publisher will neither confirm or deny the swirl of rumors that it reveals DNA test results proving that the traces of phlegm embedded in the robes on the figures of Matthew, Mark, parts of Luke and the tablecloth are, in fact, from the master himself.

Plans for the movie rights have yet to be announced.

John Edwards Was Actually Kerry's Fourth Pick

NEW YORK (Ant Farmer's Almanac Newswire) The New York Post has published an article claiming that presumptive Democratic presidential candidate John Kerry's first choice for a running mate was not, as previously reported, John McCain, Richard Gephardt or John Edwards but former vice president, Democratic party co-founder, political schemer, adventurer, killer of Alexander Hamilton and all-around cad-about-town, the very late Aaron Burr.

Still stinging with embarrassment from its erroneous headline declaring Richard Gephardt as Kerry's running mate the same day Kerry announced that his choice was John Edwards, the story about Burr is on the editorial page, perhaps to shield it from the kind of scrutiny and fact-checking that a "news" story gets. Indeed, the article glosses over the central fact that Aaron Burr has been dead for 168 years, with only passing mention made of the ". . . DNA gathering, cutting edge cloning science and technology and Photoshopping . . ." necessary for his appearance on a Kerry ticket.

The story focuses instead on Burr's assets and liabilities as a candidate. On the plus side, the Post finds Burr's ". . . experience, personal charm and first-hand knowledge of what the Founding Fathers really meant by stuff . . ." to be a boost for the Dems. The downside is Burr's long list of political, financial and personal scandals. He was accused of treason in the U.S., thrown out of England while there in exile and, of course, shot and killed Alexander Hamilton, ". . .even after Hamilton had fired into the air, gentleman that he was, believing that Burr would do likewise, thereby settling the dispute in a non-lethal way. He was mistaken, as Burr was, then as now, no gentleman." That and, as the paper reminds its readers, he's been dead since 1836, and would face a sharp learning curve about current events and probably smell awful.

Despite the original New York Post being founded in 1800 by Alexander Hamilton, the paper's editors insist they ". . . have no axe to grind with his cold-blooded, blackhearted assassin", and that their opinions are based solely on the facts as they see them and what they remember about him from Gore Vidal's 1973 historical novel Burr.

When approached for a comment about the story, a spokesman for the Kerry campaign stared blankly at this reporter and asked, "Who are you? How did you get in here?"

Aides close to Dick Cheney reported his disappointment at the lost prospect of facing off with Aaron Burr in Vice Presidential debates, and quote him as saying, "I'd have f***ing wasted him".

The Idiot's Guide to Delight

Crash Tests for Dummies

The Idiot's Guide to Dostoefsky's The Idiot

HOLLYWOOD, CA (Ant Farmer's Almanac Newswire) In a move that has sent shockwaves through the world of musical dinner theater, singer Robert Goulet announced that he has taken a Hebrew name and now wishes to be known as "Shlomo."

"I've heard a lot about the Kabbalah," said the veteran crooner, speaking from his dressing room in the Tri-County Arts Pavilion and Civic Center in Sapulpa, Oklahoma, as he prepared for his 347,659th performance in Lerner and Loewe's Camelot. "I'm a happening kind of cat," Goulet continued with a straight face, "And if what it takes to make it in show biz these days is to go by a single name inspired by an aspect of Jewish mysticism that consists of a large body of meditative, devotional and magical practices and speculation on the nature of divinity, the creation, the origin and fate of the soul, then I'm there, baby. Besides, some of my best friends are . . ." Goulet was interrupted at this point and summoned to the stage for his opening number.

Later, in the theater's lobby, Goulet's manager, J.P. Manley, spoke with reporters. "No, Bob's not 'on something', as has been suggested," said Manley over the strains of "If Ever I Should Leave You" coming from just a few yards away, "He did start taking a new allergy medication recently, but I don't think that's got anything to do with it, so please, let's not start any rumors about a beloved-but-fading matinee idol's heart-rending fight back from addiction that gets his name all over the tabloids and maybe even picked up by some legitimate papers and Entertainment Tonight and sparks some interest in his career."

Asked if Mr. Goulet's move was prompted by Madonna's recent adoption of the Hebrew name "Esther", Manley replied, "A lot of your A-list gentile celebrities have been taking traditionally Jewish names. Last I heard, Donny Osmond and Tony Orlando were in a nasty court fight over the rights to use the name "Shecky."

In response to a reporter's bluntly stated theory that this was just a publicity stunt to help land his client the part of Tevye in a production of "Fiddler on the Roof" scheduled to tour Florida for the next two years, Manley responded curtly, "Hey, he's trying to stay alive in a very competitive business and doing everything he can to keep himself out of Branson, Missouri and I support him in that. He's a real trouper, and if anybody deserves a couple of winters in a nice warm place, it's Bob."

As the curtain call applause dwindled and the audience headed for the exits, Manley wrapped up the press conference, saying, "Look, the show's over and Bob's gonna really need his "Claritin" right about now."

WASHINGTON, DC (Ant Farmer's Almanac Newswire) A radical new wing of the American Association of Retired Persons (AARP) calling itself "The 49ers" is lobbying to require the installation of a "G (Geezer) Chip" on all television sets made after 2006 that would allow viewers 50 or older to block advertisements and programming aimed exclusively at the 18-to-49-year-old demographic.

"They don't want our business? We don't want their ads", said J.P. Manley, spokesman for the organization, adding, "Hey, we're Baby Boomers, dammit. We invented perpetual adolescence as a lifestyle choice and targeted market segment, and we've been dutifully buying whatever was dangled in front of us from hoola hoops to SUVs. We will not be ignored. Or, if you are going to ignore us, at least we're not gonna let you rub our noses in it."

The group intends to launch a massive publicity campaign, dubbed "49 and Counting", with print ads scheduled to run in "Modern Maturity", "Senior Living" and "Rolling Stone" magazines, and has established offices near Capital Hill from which to pester congress.

Reached for comment about the 49ers and their chances for success, a spokesman for the Ad Council of America said, "I'm a Giants fan, myself; Go Gang Green!" When asked about the Geezer Chip, the spokesman replied, "That new Frito-Lay thing? I like the name but I don't know how they'll sell it to 18 to 49 year olds."

I came across the phrase "Hired Goons" recently and wondered, were there ever "Volunteer Goons"? And, when you do need to hire some goons, where do you find them? Do you place an ad in the New York Times? Monster.com? Craigslist?

Look for these conditions soon

Adult Onset Selective Situational Tourette's Syndrome® (AOSSTS).
Cause: Someone pisses you off.
Symptom: You hurl obscenities at them.

Pet Induced Stress Disorder® (PISD).
Cause: Having a pet.
Symptom: You have to ask, you don't have a dog.

Christians Are Flooding Stores With Books Preaching Bible-Inspired Dieting

The Reverend George Malkmus's book, "The Hallelujah Diet," is drawn from Genesis, "What Would Jesus Eat?" by Dr. Don Colbert and "The Weigh Down Diet" by Gwen Shamblin have created eating plans based on scripture and Jordan S. Rubin's "The Maker's Diet." is based on the book of Leviticus. — from ABCNews.com

New Releases:

The Pontius Pilates Workout
Whether fleeing Pharoh's army, sprinting across the muddy bottom of the parted Red Sea or dodging Roman soldiers, Biblical figures stayed in shape while doing God's bidding. And so can you with this inspirational workout book (also available on CD and DVD).

Render Unto Caesar
Learn how to pay only as much tax as you owe and NOT A PENNY MORE! The Christian way. You heard us, financial advice from the NEW TESTAMENT! Includes estate planning and tips on how to avoid probate.

The Bible: Books on Tape
Mel Gibson reads the Good Book, cover to cover, entirely in the original Aramaic. Sound effects by George Lucas' THX and musical accompaniment by Creed, Amy Grant, Sting, various artists.

Eager to duplicate the runaway success of the "Law & Order" spinoffs, producers of CBS' not-entirely-unpopular "Without A Trace" today unveiled the first three of their proposed franchise shows.

Without A Clue
A trio of the dimmest people you ever saw in your life struggle to figure something out in the space of an hour. Will they? Won't they? The suspense'll kill ya!

Without An Umbrella
They didn't take one with them, and now they walk the city streets unaware of the growing water droplets that are quickly becoming too heavy to remain in the clouds and will plummet toward the earth's surface. You know what happens next. Where will they be when it does? Wasn't one of them wearing suede?

Without A Sweater
It looks like it's going to get cooler. Fools! If only they'd listened.

Astronomers have created a sound clip of the noise the expanding universe was making in the first million years after the Big Bang.

"You thought we said WHAT?", says Scott McClellan.

WASHINGTON, DC (Ant Farmer's Almanac Newswire) To the relief of much of the world, it was realized today that the June 30 "handover" of Iraq was all just a big misunderstanding.

June 30 is actually the starting date of an American-Iraqi cross-cultural summer program sponsored by Phillips Academy Andover, the renowned Massachussets prep school founded in 1778 and usually referred to simply as "Andover".

Apparently, it is the school's name that caused the confusion.

Speaking on condition of anonymity, White House press secretary Scott McClellan stated, "This is obviously a simple misunderstanding that got way out of hand," adding, "I'm not saying that some in the media and in the state department willfully and repeatedly misinterpreted and misrepresented what the president and others said about this fine program Andover is hosting in Iraq, but I think we all know who they are and what their agenda is."

McClellan went on to explain that the purpose of Andover's summer session in Iraq is "To bridge the gap between America's leaders of tomorrow and the young Iraqis who will someday be doing their bidding."

The U.S. students will spend six weeks at Andover's Baghdad campus compound, where they will tutor a handpicked group of Iraqi teenagers on the American path to leadership. Seminars will include "The Old School Tie", "Wrinkling khakis ever-just-so", "How to spot an inferior blazer by its buttons", "Talking without moving your jaw", "Glee Club", "Squatting to Pee" and "Hazing 101".

Joseph P. "Skipper" Manley III, student spokesman for the Andover group, said, "These young Iraqi fellows can't be expected to know anything about assuming leadership without the overdeveloped sense of entitlement and privilege that only an American prep school education can provide."

Neither McClellan or anyone associated with Andover would answer reporters' questions about why no literature or information about the program existed before last Friday, and why the parents of some of the Andover students involved didn't seem to know about it at all. McClellan responded sharply, "These are fine, brave Americans sacrificing a crucial part of a summer vacation of their young lives on behalf of their country. I think we owe them a debt of gratitude, not insults and insinuations of political skullduggery."

Fox News devoted 48 hours of non-stop coverage and commentary to the Handover/Andover contretemps, blasting other media outlets as having once and for all exposed their treasonous liberal bias and bilious hatred of America. A spokesman for Rush Limbaugh said the radio host was withholding comment until he could figure out how it was Hillary Clinton's fault.

BERKELEY, California (Ant Farmer's Almanac Newswire) A new animal rights group calling itself Animal Activists Resisting Ridiculous Fiction (AARRF) seeks to refute ". . . Inaccurate, false, misleading and harmful misrepresentations of non-human beings whether they reside in the barnyard or the back yard", according to a "manifesto" issued today announcing the group's existence and aims.

Taking its cue from the religious groups that banded together to rebut faith-shaking allegations in the bestselling book "The Da Vinci Code", AARRF is a loose coalition of several dozen animal rights organizations that seeks to rectify ". . .the incalculable damage done by centuries of anthropomorphizing creatures who do not and cannot talk, walk upright; wear pants, hats, glasses or shoes; surf, play poker, pool or the banjo; or drive a car, much less operate elaborate propulsive and explosive devices allowing them to catch up to and entrap other, faster animals; and, except for certain chimpanzees, smoke cigars and rollerskate".

Reached for comment by phone, Ms. Anne Thorpe, "spokesbeing" for AARRF, elaborated on the group's purpose, stating that, "Clearly, depictions of animals engaging in humanlike behavior, from Aesop to Disney, however amusing and benignly-intentioned, only encourages people to treat animals the way they treat humans and, let's face it, people treat humans like shit. Animals deserve better than that."

"Besides," added Ms. Thorpe, "As anyone who's ever cohabited with a feline companion animal can tell you" she sighed, "No cat has ever willingly worn a hat."

Less Miserable: Uplifting Life Lessons from Great Literature

Dogs are from Pluto, Cats are from, I Dunno, Someplace Else

Thinking Outside the Litter Box: An MBA's Guide to Cat Behavior

Number Crunchies
Good nutrition is as easy as 1-2-3 with Post's new Number Crunchies breakfast cereal. Riboflavin and 'rithmatic add up to a delicious morning meal or snack anytime! Whether your child is a budding CPA or rides the short bus to school, the digits 0 through 9 never tasted so good!

Frosted Binary Bits
Sugar-coated zeros and ones are the building blocks for a delicious, nutritious breakfast! Who needs 2 through 9 when the basics for binary code taste this great?

Zodiac Flakes
Your forecast? A delicious breakfast! Each sign of the zodiac is depicted in roasted oats in this star-studded new taste treat! Fire, Water, Earth or Air, they all stay crisp in milk!

Mexican Air Force pilots film UFO.

WASHINGTON, DC (Ant Farmer's Almanac Newswire) For weeks now, rumors have swirled around the capital about an FBI film showing John Kerry tossing his medals over the fence of the Capital Building at an antiwar demonstration in 1971, and that this film clearly shows that Kerry "Throws like a girl".

The film has become something of an urban legend and may or may not even exist. The story has it that an undercover FBI agent shot clandestine footage of the demonstration in case any illegal activity took place and law enforcement needed evidence for prosecution.

None of the dozen-or-so Beltway insiders interviewed had actually seen it themselves, but all of them knew somebody that had and who had told them about it. In some retellings it was medals thrown and in others ribbons, but all accounts emphasize the limp-wristed, sissy style lob by Kerry.

Democratic Party activists point to the Bush-Cheney 2004 re-election staff as the source for these rumors, and accuse them of perpetrating a cheap campaign smear. A spokesman for the Bush campaign denied the accusations, saying, "We can do a perfectly good job of character assasination on our own. We don't need any help from the FBI," adding, "Especially not with some out-of-focus, silent, badly lit, grainy black & white 8mm film from 30 years ago."

Asked how it was he knew that the film was 8mm, black & white, grainy, badly lit, silent and out of focus, the spokesman suddenly heard a phone ringing in another room and had to leave.

When asked about the film and the furor surrounding it, White House Press Secretary Scott McClellan stated that he could "Neither confirm nor deny that such a film exists or whether I've seen it personally," adding with a barely suppressed chuckle, "But if you've ever watched 12-year-old girls play slow pitch softball, it's kinda like that."

New Show: "FEAR FACTORY".
It's "Fear Factor" meets "Survivor" meets "Punk'd"

After being drugged and hypnotized, celebrity contestants find themselves in a working factory where, rather than being feted and fawned over, and, despite their increasingly shrill protests ("I never do my own stunts. It's in my contract! Get my agent on the phone!), are expected to run a drill press, a lathe or to stamp out sheet metal. As sparks fly — literally and figuratively — and supervisors berate them for slacking, contestants try to keep their cool in the midst of a nightmarish combination of their worst fears regarding anonymity and actual work. Winners get to leave at the lunch break; losers have to finish out their shift, and, in so doing, face the horrifying reality that there's no half-caf mocha latte in the break room.

Krispy Kreme: Diets hurt doughnut sales